September 28, 2012

Dear Lily

"You can’t hang around waiting for somebody else to pull your strings. Destiny’s what you make of it. You have to face whatever life throws at you. And if it throws more than you’d like, more than you think you can handle? Well then you just have to find the heroism within yourself and play out the hand you’ve been dealt. The universe never sets a challenge that can’t be met. You just need to believe in yourself in order to find the strength to face it." --Darren Shan
Ahhh, anyway,I know I should stop complaining and putting myself down, but that’s how I always dealt with life. I keep saying that I’m ready, so ready for this, but I’m so fricken scared because when you set yourself, push yourself in that direction you thought you’d go and fail, you think you'd be so crushed and depressed that you might be weak enough to give up. Man, I lack so much self-confidence. I'm stronger than that. In actuality, through every single failure, I felt unexpectedly relieved. Also, I couldn’t cry or express any emotions. So, did I really want it? Defensive mechanism, right? I don’t know. However, I did feel more and more hesitant when it comes down to trying. So, I did get affected by the failures, just not the way I thought I would. I just want to remind myself (because I can’t seem to remember life lessons) that it’s okay to try. I just need to find the strength to believe in myself…that’s something I’m trying to come to terms to. So the real question is, do I believe in myself?

Anyway, to motivate myself, I’m going to try and write down how I feel at this moment. How do I feel? Actually, how do you feel? Scared? Worthless? Incompetent? Well, don't, okay? Right now, as of right now, I feel so buzzed on energy. I feel so empowered and excited. Yet, at the same time, I feel so incompetent and powerless. However, how often do you get this opportunity? And, as fucked as my self-esteem is right now, the good feelings outweigh the bad. Despite how experienced and how confident everyone is, they started out the same way. So, please, instead of comparing myself to all of them and seeing that they’re so much better than me and trying to catch up to them, try to look at them equally--as humans. We’re the same. We’re all in the same class together, which makes me equal. So, stop comparing. Stop comparing and feeling as if you have so much to prove. Just stop. Calm down. Stop freaking out. Stop touching your hair. Stop feeling incompetent. Because, despite what you believe, you are better than that. So, remember this. Remember it. Hold onto this feeling. Because despite how you feel in the future, try to hold onto the feelings you have at this moment. Try to remember how empowered and motivated you feel about this. When you forget and have all those low moments, read this and remember that you're doing this because you seriously believe in yourself.

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