September 30, 2012

So, I went there today. Honestly, I have no idea what to think. Man, I really hate myself a lot. Because, I've gone several times before and still don't know what to think. I guess I'm just afraid of committing. Anyway, I think I'm still as overwhelmed as I always am. But, this has to stop, right? I can't always use confusion as an excuse. I have to I don't know, attempt to read and understand it all, right? UGH, I really don't know. Just, whenever I'm there, I keep getting the chills. Either every single place I've gone to just has freezing cold air conditioning, or, I don't know. But, I really feel okay. Truly, I do. Just, I'm not sure about anything...Maybe I'm not okay, then.

September 28, 2012

Dear Lily

"You can’t hang around waiting for somebody else to pull your strings. Destiny’s what you make of it. You have to face whatever life throws at you. And if it throws more than you’d like, more than you think you can handle? Well then you just have to find the heroism within yourself and play out the hand you’ve been dealt. The universe never sets a challenge that can’t be met. You just need to believe in yourself in order to find the strength to face it." --Darren Shan
Ahhh, anyway,I know I should stop complaining and putting myself down, but that’s how I always dealt with life. I keep saying that I’m ready, so ready for this, but I’m so fricken scared because when you set yourself, push yourself in that direction you thought you’d go and fail, you think you'd be so crushed and depressed that you might be weak enough to give up. Man, I lack so much self-confidence. I'm stronger than that. In actuality, through every single failure, I felt unexpectedly relieved. Also, I couldn’t cry or express any emotions. So, did I really want it? Defensive mechanism, right? I don’t know. However, I did feel more and more hesitant when it comes down to trying. So, I did get affected by the failures, just not the way I thought I would. I just want to remind myself (because I can’t seem to remember life lessons) that it’s okay to try. I just need to find the strength to believe in myself…that’s something I’m trying to come to terms to. So the real question is, do I believe in myself?

Anyway, to motivate myself, I’m going to try and write down how I feel at this moment. How do I feel? Actually, how do you feel? Scared? Worthless? Incompetent? Well, don't, okay? Right now, as of right now, I feel so buzzed on energy. I feel so empowered and excited. Yet, at the same time, I feel so incompetent and powerless. However, how often do you get this opportunity? And, as fucked as my self-esteem is right now, the good feelings outweigh the bad. Despite how experienced and how confident everyone is, they started out the same way. So, please, instead of comparing myself to all of them and seeing that they’re so much better than me and trying to catch up to them, try to look at them equally--as humans. We’re the same. We’re all in the same class together, which makes me equal. So, stop comparing. Stop comparing and feeling as if you have so much to prove. Just stop. Calm down. Stop freaking out. Stop touching your hair. Stop feeling incompetent. Because, despite what you believe, you are better than that. So, remember this. Remember it. Hold onto this feeling. Because despite how you feel in the future, try to hold onto the feelings you have at this moment. Try to remember how empowered and motivated you feel about this. When you forget and have all those low moments, read this and remember that you're doing this because you seriously believe in yourself.

September 24, 2012

Waltz #2 by Elliott Smith

I'm not the biggest fan of searching for new music. I enjoy sitting there waiting for a new song approach me, like, EUREKA! I'm not going to make an effort to find the next new indie sensation. Haha. Indie? I am terrible when it comes down to liking a particular genre in music (though, I kinda dislike r&b and rap more often than not). I actually listen to Top 40 radio stations and sing along likeee ccrazy! Anyway, the number of songs in my itunes is comparably less than most people because I don't know how to download. :( However, I am oh-so-content. :)

Listening to my current-favorite radio station, I heard a catchy song and I had to find it. So, I looked up the song based on the lyrics I remembered and viola, it's Waltz #2! :) Haha. I feel so lame for googling anything. It makes me feel so stupid, not knowing anything. After my search, I realized that I HAVE THE SONG! I have most of Elliott Smith's songs on my laptop (Thanks Roni!). I just don't remember/listen to everything I have. So, thanks, fantastic radio station for reminding me that I have hidden treasures in my tiny music collection. :)

September 23, 2012

Rose-Coloured Lens

So, the little one finally left. And, I am at loss at how I feel. Just, I feel bad that I couldn't see her off. She was devastated, but I felt it was fate. Getting sick was fate, right? Honestly, I was going to go after I barfed, anyway. I already prepared my clothes the night before. And, it was just cramps. But, I psyched myself out this morning, feeling a little unwell. So disgusting. She tried to be strong this morning, but yeah, she's not so good with good-byes. I truly felt guilty for not going so couldn't sleep after they left at 6am.

This photo here is how the world looks in my super spiffy sunglasses. As you can tell, I stopped wearing them...and they're collecting dust. I am always awed by how different the colors are. It's funny...when I first wore these glasses, I kept thinking that the world looked spectacular. But now, it's not special. Minds are fickle. I am fickle. I wonder how my thoughts will just a couple days

September 22, 2012

July 19th 2012

Remember July 19? I woke up feeling a different perspective. Instead of dreading my day as usual, I felt to energized and buzzed with power. I felt as if there was this sense of purpose for me being here in this world. Actually, as stupid as this sounds, I felt so high on life. Maybe it was because I finished the book. Maybe I had a beautiful dream the night before. I don't know. I just felt as if I was living in this super happy song.

Oh gosh, my writing form is so terrible. But, I can't seem to put my thoughts into words. They're all over the place. Everything looked so beautiful. I couldn't help but admire everything. I thought the skies looked extraordinarily colorful and cheering for me to go through with my day. I can almost remember when I took almost every single photo (yes, that's the curse of a fantastic memory, haha, just kidding). When I saw these photos right now, I couldn't help but transport back to the moment. I was practically whistling with glee leaving through the back door of our house, for work. For some reason I looked up and stoppd abruptly. Oh gosh, the sky looked so beautiful. Just, so so so beautiful. I kept looking and admired the view so decided to capture the moment. Yes, I know, the photos aren't special. Actually, I know some of you all will call them mediocre and shun me for pointing my camera in the sun. But, I don't care. I don't care my photos suck (right now). That doesn't matter (right now). All I care is that these photos captured how I felt at the moment. I am so grateful for all that I have.

September 21, 2012

Dolores Park

Hi there. It's been awhile. Hope you all have been doing well. So, this past summer, I went to Berkeley. I got the chance to see San Francisco again. And, to tell you the truth, the more I go there, the more I want to stay there. But, then again, I have a feeling I just like calm, peaceful, chaotic, noisy places that's not home. Maybe, by identifying some place as a home, it is permanent, making me dislike it all. Maybe, despite how realistic I've always been, I'm actually a dreamer.

I remember sitting around Dolores Park after Roni and I got some sandwiches at Ike's Place. We just sat there. For awhile, we didn't talk. Either we're just terrible with small talk and chatting about life with each other, or we're just content. I really enjoyed taking my time, indulging in happiness. And, yes, happiness did involve a ton of mayo (despite how picky I can get with foods). There was a lot of people (including that lovely man, searching for treasures!) We saw a ton of young adults sitting in the park, enjoying the sun. Unfortunately, a ton of them were smoking marijuana as well. No disrespect, but I dislike the scent of that stuff. I think I have been conditioned to hate that scent after our neighbor broke into our car and left all the ashes in our car. -_____________-

I cannot emphasize enough how relaxed I felt that day. I don't think I felt as relaxed and content as I did during my mini-vacation. I think part of the reason why I felt so happy was because I had to--I paid for this with my own money. I didn't take many photos of details, but that's okay. I don't strive to be a good photographer, anymore.

All I can say is that...I am kind of feeling nostalgic for the past. I keep thinking the past cannot beat the present or the future. This mindset of will eventually be my downfall. But, for now, just let me think back to the past just a little bit. Thanks. :)