July 12, 2012

Not all who wander are lost (but I am)


So how long has it been since I last wrote? Just under a month ago. June 14. Right now, it is July 12, so almost a month. Anyway, I have been neglectful because I have no idea what to write--all the thoughts in my head are dark and murky and I don't know, just plain depressing. As much as I want to feel happy, I can't seem to bring myself up. The only times I feel cheerful is whenever I am interacting with someone. Alone, I am compelled to think about all these things in life. Anyway, I know, I am being repetitive. I'm trying not to, but I am.

Despite my inability to write, I am choosing to start again. Why? I don't know. Perhaps, I am beginning to believe that initiating and doing something will change me. Since I can't seem to feel okay for now, I have to pretend that everything is okay. Then, one day, things will be okay. :) Haha. So, I'm going to try and start out light. 

How have things been lately? Um, I haven't done much. Um, I think I can sum up my summer so far pretty quickly: Got a job, helped a friend move out/in, went to a birthday party, hung out with a visiting friend, ditched work, caught up with a childhood friend, shopping with friends, webcammed with a friend, work a lot, had an awkward exchange with a couple friends. Ah, um, yeah, as you gathered through all this, I haven't been doing much. More recently, I'm just wandering. Just trying to figure it out. I keep wondering... I keep pondering, "Who am I?" And, what I get are all these superficial things. But, take all those superficial things out and who am I, for reals? Just a person. That's all. Oh man. No purpose. Nothing. Why am I thinking like this? That's what I don't understand. We all go through this, but I can't move on. Is/will religion be the solution? Am I giving too much faith on something else to help me? Ultimately, I believe, it's up to me to get out of this rut. But, I can't. No, scratch that, I won't

That's all for today, I guess. :) Thanks for listening.

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