July 15, 2012

Drama drama drama

Sometimes I forget it's not always about me. While I'm freaking out about how my entire life has changed after coming back, everything else is happening. And I'm just going through, "first world problems" (YAY! I used a pop culture term; I barely learned about that term a couple days ago). Soyeah, onto this post:

It gets easier, right? Hah, absolutely not! Oh gosh. The stupid problems I have. There is way too much drama at home with the sisters. Instead of doing anything to solve it, I'm staying away. She told me to defend her like the way she always did for me. I told her that I wanted to avoid conflict because that's how I am. I just want to stay behind the lines, watching, picking up the pieces of whatever the aftermath is. But, I guess I'm like this because I'm afraid. I've been hurt too many times to count by her, trying to fight for myself, only to get pushed down over and over. There's no point with fighting with her because she'll always be right. Maybe if I wore her shoes, I'd see where she's coming from, but I lost all my respect for her. She's not my role model. 

So, I keep telling her not to listen to her. Don't get pushed around by her. Don't let her anger get to you. Who gives a crap about what she thinks? Why are you letting her get to you? Don't listen to her. Come to me when you need something, because I'll always be there. Ahh, I'm such a liar. Easier said than done. I'm not the sister that you want me to be and for that, I'm sorry. I've been letting her screw me over so much that I'm avoiding her all together. I can't stand up to her for you. I'm sorry.

But, crying, you have to stop crying. Because crying is weak. It shows that you are vulnerable. It makes people feel guilty. It makes you look like a girl, for the lack of better argument. It just is... Oh god, I'm terrible. I am quite the sexist, huh? But, note the fact that she stopped with her attitude and tried to stop you crying. Instead of solving the argument, it ended up being her trying to stop you from crying. Anyway, I'm sorry that you're stuck with me. 

My sister. If she read this, she'll say everything I wrote here is stupid. That's not how I should I be living life. I should be able to defend her because she's the youngest. I should be able to stand up to the oldest. I should stop being so scared. I should be stronger. But, I'm sorry, I can't. I'm a coward. I am weak. Truly, I am. 

Someone once said that I talked about all the bad moments in my life because I want to perceived as weak. Maybe that person was right. I'm starting to believe that. And, I assume his response to this (because he claims he knows me; that I'm so darn predictable; that I'm easy): Got you. 

Anyway, it'll get better. I just have to have faith and stop being weak. 

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