July 14, 2012

Coming to terms, etc


One month ago today, I came back home from my semester abroad in South Korea. Instead of being happy, I was shocked from the reverse culture shock I gained. For awhile, I had to put up this fake facade, pretending that I was glad to be home. Inside, I was freaking out. How was it that I was there and now I'm back? I couldn't grasp onto that. How could everything at home be the same, but collecting dust? Why? Being frustrated, I kept noticing all the flaws at home. It wasn't the same as my lifestyle in Korea. I had the toughest time trying to assimilate. If home was home, why was I having so much trouble accepting it? So, I got a new job, I hung out with friends, I tried to have me-time, I tried to change things. 

Flash forward to a month later (today) and I can't say that I'm okay. But, all I have to say is that I'm accepting home again. As a consequence, though, I'm forgetting it all. Did I truly spend all those months in Korea? Did I truly gain those friendships (that would eventually fail because I have way too many expectations)? Did I truly gain all those memories--the good and the bad? Did I truly get out of my comfort zone and did all that? Did all of this really happen? Did it? Because I feel as if I'm reverting back to who I was. The me that I don't even know. 

Briefly hanging out with the guys the other day, it made me think. I feel torn between the person I was and the person I am turning into. Because, I don't know which one I am. Am I still faking it? Am I really glad to be back? Am I accepting it? Am I forgetting it all? Will I forget it all? I don't want to forget, but I am. So, that's what I'm accepting--forgetting some of those things. While I had a ton of great memories, I felt as if things gotten a lot more dark in the end. And, I'm more than glad to try and forget them because it still hurts--I caught myself tearing up while driving the other day while thinking about an argument I had. I felt challenged and my values were compromised--a lack of comfort. Maybe I'm being super dramatic and years/months from now, I'll laugh at my stupidity, but for now, it still hurts. That raw feeling of hurt. It's all real. I kind of can't wait to forget it all happened. 

So what I really wanted to write here was a decent post, telling myself that I am okay--I was okay with coming back, that I was coming into terms with being home. But, who I am kidding, I'm not really. I thought I was okay, but when I saw them, it's as if I kind of reverted. Let's blame them for reverting me back to who I was, right? I guess I am not as strong as I thought I am. I kind of feel vulnerable and childish around them. And, I don't know. I'm just crazy and insane. So despite how effed up I'm feeling right now, thanks for reminding me that I'm crazy. I may pretend to be okay, but inside I'm a person who can still feel. 

I'm so full of contradictions. I can't really come to terms with that because I always thought I saw things in black and white. But, I guess that's okay, because everyone else is full of it. 

Ending this post, I survived being home for a month! AND, I am thinking of studying abroad in London. And, I'm not sure of grad school anymore. And, I am afraid of student debt. And, HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY VERONICA! (I don't know if you still read my blog anymore, but if you do, yay!) Thanks for taking the time to Skype with me, after a gazillion days of miscommunications. <3 Hope you're enjoying your last two weeks of Singapore! I can't wait to see you and have fun adventures with you in August. 

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