July 19, 2012

This morning

when I woke up, I thought of something different. Instead of dreading my day as usual, I thought, "Hey, it's going to be okay. Thank you, whoever you are, for just being there." I just finished reading the book the Emma gave me, last night. I know, I know, it took me two months to finally finish it? But, what counts is that I finally finished it, okay. So, I'm still a skeptic, but everything I've read in the past few days confirmed what everyone has been telling me for the past couple months. I'm wary, but more accepting. It's okay to feel broken--it's not necessary to be perfect. 

So my day wasn't exactly perfect. Yes, I almost ran over a bicyclist. Yes, I felt so overwhelmed with work...because I took a day off yesterday. Yes, I felt guilty for lying. Yes, I felt uncomfortable talking to my old boss. Yes, all these things did happen, but oddly, I felt okay!

Despite what I'm saying, it's going to be tough to feel the way I feel right now, because at the end of the day, I still feel drained, but I'm feeling a little more at peace. Everyday is going to be a different day... I'm not always going to feel as at peace as I felt this morning, but I think this is the beginning of something good. It's as if I can take on the world! haha. 

Like my optimism? I kind of like it... I'm not use to it, but I like it. :)

July 17, 2012

Work/Academic Schedules

So today is my registration date. I'm just so tired and stressed out over thinking about registering for classes. Because, not only do I create my classes for myself, I want to do it for others. Ohgoodness, I'm at school on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays all day. Well, basically 8am - 7pm. :/ It's not so bad compare to my schedule last fall. 

I'm just afraid that things would be exactly the same as last fall, where I couldn't handle my workload and yeah, broke down last minute. I'm afraid of that happening again. Hope it doesn't. 

Anyway, I told Kathryn that I was working about 14 hours a week and she was okay with it, but she told me that it wasn't enough. I felt as if that's more than enough, but I know what she means. All she has is 3 student assistants to help her with study abroad stuff and that's all. It doesn't help when one of the students barely comes to work. So, she's going to hire someone to work about 20 hours a week (eeek!). However, it looks like I might be there A LOT, taking 5 classes and working! My work schedule is like: 12pm - 4pm (or 5pm) on Tuesdays, Thursday, and Fridays?  That's like all my afternoons. :/ I don't even get a social life. But then again, I don't exactly have a social life. When I do hang out with friends, it's usually the weekends, so I guess that's all right. I'm just feeling a little guilty for not hanging out with everyone that much. But, then again, something that most of my friends know, but don't do is visit me. They are more than welcome to come join me while I work. My supervisors are pretty much okay with it. I may look busy, but I can still interact with them. 

Ah, getting to the point, I am contemplating on working an extra four hours. Instead of having one of my classes in the morning, I am going to have that class from 7pm - 10pm on Tuesday evenings. How's about that? I don't know! Do I really want to stay that long? Wouldn't I crash and burn at the end of the day? If I were to stay at school that late, it will only be for myself, not for school! It sounds so draining. So, my contemplation on this situation is....should I please Kathryn and work an additional 4 hours a week, causing me to stay at school longer, and most likely breaking down near the end of the semester? Or should I not? I mean the perks for working two hours extra in the morning is that is I get to start my classes much later in the day, meaning I can hit traffic and not worry about being late to class. Also, I will get more money. Lastly, I get to please her. ARGHGHSDFJKDS!!!! This is terrible. Just the thought of my academic/work schedule makes me feel like barfing right now. :/ 

July 15, 2012

Drama drama drama

Sometimes I forget it's not always about me. While I'm freaking out about how my entire life has changed after coming back, everything else is happening. And I'm just going through, "first world problems" (YAY! I used a pop culture term; I barely learned about that term a couple days ago). Soyeah, onto this post:

It gets easier, right? Hah, absolutely not! Oh gosh. The stupid problems I have. There is way too much drama at home with the sisters. Instead of doing anything to solve it, I'm staying away. She told me to defend her like the way she always did for me. I told her that I wanted to avoid conflict because that's how I am. I just want to stay behind the lines, watching, picking up the pieces of whatever the aftermath is. But, I guess I'm like this because I'm afraid. I've been hurt too many times to count by her, trying to fight for myself, only to get pushed down over and over. There's no point with fighting with her because she'll always be right. Maybe if I wore her shoes, I'd see where she's coming from, but I lost all my respect for her. She's not my role model. 

So, I keep telling her not to listen to her. Don't get pushed around by her. Don't let her anger get to you. Who gives a crap about what she thinks? Why are you letting her get to you? Don't listen to her. Come to me when you need something, because I'll always be there. Ahh, I'm such a liar. Easier said than done. I'm not the sister that you want me to be and for that, I'm sorry. I've been letting her screw me over so much that I'm avoiding her all together. I can't stand up to her for you. I'm sorry.

But, crying, you have to stop crying. Because crying is weak. It shows that you are vulnerable. It makes people feel guilty. It makes you look like a girl, for the lack of better argument. It just is... Oh god, I'm terrible. I am quite the sexist, huh? But, note the fact that she stopped with her attitude and tried to stop you crying. Instead of solving the argument, it ended up being her trying to stop you from crying. Anyway, I'm sorry that you're stuck with me. 

My sister. If she read this, she'll say everything I wrote here is stupid. That's not how I should I be living life. I should be able to defend her because she's the youngest. I should be able to stand up to the oldest. I should stop being so scared. I should be stronger. But, I'm sorry, I can't. I'm a coward. I am weak. Truly, I am. 

Someone once said that I talked about all the bad moments in my life because I want to perceived as weak. Maybe that person was right. I'm starting to believe that. And, I assume his response to this (because he claims he knows me; that I'm so darn predictable; that I'm easy): Got you. 

Anyway, it'll get better. I just have to have faith and stop being weak. 

July 14, 2012

Coming to terms, etc

One month ago today, I came back home from my semester abroad in South Korea. Instead of being happy, I was shocked from the reverse culture shock I gained. For awhile, I had to put up this fake facade, pretending that I was glad to be home. Inside, I was freaking out. How was it that I was there and now I'm back? I couldn't grasp onto that. How could everything at home be the same, but collecting dust? Why? Being frustrated, I kept noticing all the flaws at home. It wasn't the same as my lifestyle in Korea. I had the toughest time trying to assimilate. If home was home, why was I having so much trouble accepting it? So, I got a new job, I hung out with friends, I tried to have me-time, I tried to change things. 

Flash forward to a month later (today) and I can't say that I'm okay. But, all I have to say is that I'm accepting home again. As a consequence, though, I'm forgetting it all. Did I truly spend all those months in Korea? Did I truly gain those friendships (that would eventually fail because I have way too many expectations)? Did I truly gain all those memories--the good and the bad? Did I truly get out of my comfort zone and did all that? Did all of this really happen? Did it? Because I feel as if I'm reverting back to who I was. The me that I don't even know. 

Briefly hanging out with the guys the other day, it made me think. I feel torn between the person I was and the person I am turning into. Because, I don't know which one I am. Am I still faking it? Am I really glad to be back? Am I accepting it? Am I forgetting it all? Will I forget it all? I don't want to forget, but I am. So, that's what I'm accepting--forgetting some of those things. While I had a ton of great memories, I felt as if things gotten a lot more dark in the end. And, I'm more than glad to try and forget them because it still hurts--I caught myself tearing up while driving the other day while thinking about an argument I had. I felt challenged and my values were compromised--a lack of comfort. Maybe I'm being super dramatic and years/months from now, I'll laugh at my stupidity, but for now, it still hurts. That raw feeling of hurt. It's all real. I kind of can't wait to forget it all happened. 

So what I really wanted to write here was a decent post, telling myself that I am okay--I was okay with coming back, that I was coming into terms with being home. But, who I am kidding, I'm not really. I thought I was okay, but when I saw them, it's as if I kind of reverted. Let's blame them for reverting me back to who I was, right? I guess I am not as strong as I thought I am. I kind of feel vulnerable and childish around them. And, I don't know. I'm just crazy and insane. So despite how effed up I'm feeling right now, thanks for reminding me that I'm crazy. I may pretend to be okay, but inside I'm a person who can still feel. 

I'm so full of contradictions. I can't really come to terms with that because I always thought I saw things in black and white. But, I guess that's okay, because everyone else is full of it. 

Ending this post, I survived being home for a month! AND, I am thinking of studying abroad in London. And, I'm not sure of grad school anymore. And, I am afraid of student debt. And, HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY VERONICA! (I don't know if you still read my blog anymore, but if you do, yay!) Thanks for taking the time to Skype with me, after a gazillion days of miscommunications. <3 Hope you're enjoying your last two weeks of Singapore! I can't wait to see you and have fun adventures with you in August. 

Caring too much

Do I care too much? I remember when I went through that one incident of turmoil of fear and panic last fall, she told me that my personality shows that I cared. I cared too much for people, following up, asking them questions, creating huge misunderstandings. So, I tried to stop for awhile. Not asking people how they are. Not following up. Not making any effort for awhile. But, I guess I can't really stop that part of me. Because, that's me. I want to know. I am tempted to continue to care. I really want to know. In a world where we all only care about ourselves (which is okay, too), I want others to understand that there are people who truly want to know what's happening. I hope people would stop misunderstanding my intentions, though. Because, truly, I do care. And that's all. No ulterior motives. 

July 12, 2012

Not all who wander are lost (but I am)

So how long has it been since I last wrote? Just under a month ago. June 14. Right now, it is July 12, so almost a month. Anyway, I have been neglectful because I have no idea what to write--all the thoughts in my head are dark and murky and I don't know, just plain depressing. As much as I want to feel happy, I can't seem to bring myself up. The only times I feel cheerful is whenever I am interacting with someone. Alone, I am compelled to think about all these things in life. Anyway, I know, I am being repetitive. I'm trying not to, but I am.

Despite my inability to write, I am choosing to start again. Why? I don't know. Perhaps, I am beginning to believe that initiating and doing something will change me. Since I can't seem to feel okay for now, I have to pretend that everything is okay. Then, one day, things will be okay. :) Haha. So, I'm going to try and start out light. 

How have things been lately? Um, I haven't done much. Um, I think I can sum up my summer so far pretty quickly: Got a job, helped a friend move out/in, went to a birthday party, hung out with a visiting friend, ditched work, caught up with a childhood friend, shopping with friends, webcammed with a friend, work a lot, had an awkward exchange with a couple friends. Ah, um, yeah, as you gathered through all this, I haven't been doing much. More recently, I'm just wandering. Just trying to figure it out. I keep wondering... I keep pondering, "Who am I?" And, what I get are all these superficial things. But, take all those superficial things out and who am I, for reals? Just a person. That's all. Oh man. No purpose. Nothing. Why am I thinking like this? That's what I don't understand. We all go through this, but I can't move on. Is/will religion be the solution? Am I giving too much faith on something else to help me? Ultimately, I believe, it's up to me to get out of this rut. But, I can't. No, scratch that, I won't

That's all for today, I guess. :) Thanks for listening.