May 30, 2012

thoughts on leaving

Disclaimer: This is a long and dragged out post so if you don't want to read it, just don't. Also, this is probably the first of many similar sounding posts (even though I don't want that to happen)...

It’s too early, but I’m already feeling it—this unsettling feeling. Like, I want to barf, like there are butterflies in my stomach. Just nervousness. Just like RIGHT before I went to South Korea. Just like that time when I sat in SFO, waiting to get into that plane at Singapore Airlines, right next to Abe, thinking that I was going to barf on him. It’s this feeling of not wanting to let go of South Korea. Right upon arrival, I kept squirming in my seats, out of fear, out of fear of being uncomfortable, out of fear of hating Korea, out of leaving the comfort and security of home/family/friends. I honestly thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown—I kept breathing hard, trying to calm myself down. I kept pinching myself, trying to believe that this wasn’t a dream. I had to convince myself that this was real. I was finally gone—I finally, finally, finally had the courage to let myself out of my comfort zone, but it felt so wrong being out for so long. However, when I first came to the dorms and everything, I thought it was okay. It didn’t feel surreal. It just felt okay. I felt comfortable. It was really odd for me. I didn’t think I’d feel comfort for South Korea right upon arrival. I just didn’t expect it because I tend to hate everything.

For the longest time, I tried to find my routine. Just when I thought I found my routine, we had our internship. After our internship, a series of other things happened. Life and other adventures happened.  But, once again, I have a routine. Though, it is time to move on and go back home. I guess I’m afraid that when I go back home, I’ll revert back to the old me—the one who did nothing, the one who was too scared to do anything, the me who I kind of hate a lot right now, the me who was a coward. Okay, it’s not like I changed drastically while in Korea. I know I am still the somewhat the same, but being here, I feel as if I changed, I feel comfortable with how things are. Ultimately, I am afraid of change.

As everyone is pumped up and excited to go home, I’m somewhat dreading it. Maybe it’s because I feel as if I don’t have attachments at home. That’s not true, because I have so many people who I love and appreciate dearly. It’s just, somehow, beyond what I thought would ever happen, I grew attached with South Korea. I stopped regretting Australia and all the other countries--this was the right choice! When I get home, what am I going to do? Will I live a different life? Will I yearn for my South Korean life? Will I miss it too much? I have a feeling I will.

All the people I’ve met here, everyone that I encountered here, changed my life in different ways. And, I’m afraid of letting them go because I know I’d forget.

All week, I’ve been feeling unsettled about leaving. I don’t know if it’s because of this or because of another situation. All I know is that I feel like crying all the time.

I’m just not ready to let go. But, it’s happening, so I have to try and feel pumped. The problem is…I don’t know how.

By writing how I feel now, will that help? Will it stop that feeling from growing? I want it to stop. I kind of want to feel the way I did. I didn’t really react to many life events for the last couple years. Like, I didn’t feel anything when I graduated high school. (On the other hand, I’m really emotional when it comes down to sad movies.) I don’t know when, but I kind of stopped feeling things. I think it was a form of defense mechanism. I just kept lying to myself. The more I lied, the easier it was not to feel. Now, it’s as if Korea has changed me. Oh my goodness, am I thawing? I’m not saying that I didn’t feel anything before. It’s more like I couldn’t and wouldn’t show it. I just didn’t want to show that I was vulnerable in front of everyone.

So, these are my thoughts on all this as of May 30, 2012, 9pm KST (or 5am PST)! There are a lot of typos! :/ I hope I stop feeling this way and start doing something about it! My time left is limited! I have to stop moping and live it! 

1 comment:

  1. life is to be lived, lily :) i recently realized that too haha... say yes to things, hang out with everyone and do everything i can before my body can't take it anymore haha... i used to regret having fun and worry about things, but yeah, no more XD we're just late bloomers, right? <3