April 16, 2012

leap of faith

Disclaimer: If you don't want to read one of my most confusing posts ever, with terrible form, and a search of self-identity, just stop here.

Being a little personal (because it's more difficult to talk about in person), it was my first time attending a church service this past Sunday (April 15) and I didn't know what to expect. Growing up as a Buddhist, I found this an experience. Upon arrival, we were greeted warmly. I have been taught to be wary of those who approached me and felt uncomfortable speaking with people who approached us--because I felt like an outsider who didn't belong and also because of my inability to speak with new people.

The whole time, I was in awe…so many people here together, just so many people coming together and I don't know what else to say. The service itself was somewhat enlightening. I never realized how important charisma truly is. The message resonate, but I was somewhat confused. I thought I understood, but I am beginning to second guess what I thought I heard. Well, that's about it…there's more I want to say about what I heard, but they're just scattered, undeveloped thoughts.

Much after, he (I feel weird using names) had a conversation with me, asking whether I accept Jesus Christ. I was a little taken aback and felt slightly uncomfortable, but at the same time, I knew it was coming. I may have felt unsettled, but I listened to him and tried to talk about my thoughts on everything. Anyway (it's should be obvious, but) I am still questioning religion and am somewhat curious; I didn't have to attend the church service and could have left the day before or waited outside or I don't know; ultimately, it was my choice despite the circumstances. Despite growing up as a Buddhist, I feel Agnostic. I didn't know what I felt about anything; instead of trying to figure it out, I chose the easy way out and believe there must be something else--but nothing solid.

All I need is faith to be rewarded with heaven because he already sacrificed himself. I explained how I found it so hard to believe that history can be preserved so well, how the proof doesn't seem like proof. But, I only believe this because of everyone around me believing that. So, what are my actual thoughts on all this, really? I don't know.

As he explained that he knew a lot of people who had too much pride (or maybe too scared) to allow something else to "control" them, I fell into that category. I find it challenging…to allow myself to believe.

At the same time, I feel like prior to anything else, I have to be selfish and try to find myself; but that's rather stupid, because no one can really find out who they truly are. We're all slowly evolving and changing--there's no constant.

I kind of wonder what it feels like to grow up with a relationship with God. It seems so much easier to grow into a religion rather than questioning myself...

What if I am questioning all this because I was questioned. If he didn't ask, would I have thought so much more about this?

On the bus ride back, with an overload of thoughts running through my mind, I kept wondering whether I am questioning religion for myself or for the people around me. Is it their expectations? Whether I am questioning it because I want to fit in or is it for me. And, why now?

It's night time when I question things a lot more. With everything that happened lately, I find it so hard to feel satisfied. This is when I think a lot more. It is also a bad thing because it doesn't feel real. All my thoughts at the end of the day doesn't feel real--it's all surreal, I feel delirious and tired and deprived of sleep. At the same time I am serious about this…but other times, I am wondering, am I really? There's so much thoughts running through my head. Do I want to take this leap of faith? Most importantly, am I questioning this for myself? Do I want to get into all this because someone expected me to? Sometimes I feel like I get into things because people expect me to (and I don't want to let them down) or conformity. Do I truly have too much pride? I should look into other religions...or just stay Agnostic. Am I willing to be vulnerable and talk about this? Honestly, I don't know anymore.

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