April 16, 2012

leap of faith

Disclaimer: If you don't want to read one of my most confusing posts ever, with terrible form, and a search of self-identity, just stop here.

Being a little personal (because it's more difficult to talk about in person), it was my first time attending a church service this past Sunday (April 15) and I didn't know what to expect. Growing up as a Buddhist, I found this an experience. Upon arrival, we were greeted warmly. I have been taught to be wary of those who approached me and felt uncomfortable speaking with people who approached us--because I felt like an outsider who didn't belong and also because of my inability to speak with new people.

The whole time, I was in awe…so many people here together, just so many people coming together and I don't know what else to say. The service itself was somewhat enlightening. I never realized how important charisma truly is. The message resonate, but I was somewhat confused. I thought I understood, but I am beginning to second guess what I thought I heard. Well, that's about it…there's more I want to say about what I heard, but they're just scattered, undeveloped thoughts.

Much after, he (I feel weird using names) had a conversation with me, asking whether I accept Jesus Christ. I was a little taken aback and felt slightly uncomfortable, but at the same time, I knew it was coming. I may have felt unsettled, but I listened to him and tried to talk about my thoughts on everything. Anyway (it's should be obvious, but) I am still questioning religion and am somewhat curious; I didn't have to attend the church service and could have left the day before or waited outside or I don't know; ultimately, it was my choice despite the circumstances. Despite growing up as a Buddhist, I feel Agnostic. I didn't know what I felt about anything; instead of trying to figure it out, I chose the easy way out and believe there must be something else--but nothing solid.

All I need is faith to be rewarded with heaven because he already sacrificed himself. I explained how I found it so hard to believe that history can be preserved so well, how the proof doesn't seem like proof. But, I only believe this because of everyone around me believing that. So, what are my actual thoughts on all this, really? I don't know.

As he explained that he knew a lot of people who had too much pride (or maybe too scared) to allow something else to "control" them, I fell into that category. I find it challenging…to allow myself to believe.

At the same time, I feel like prior to anything else, I have to be selfish and try to find myself; but that's rather stupid, because no one can really find out who they truly are. We're all slowly evolving and changing--there's no constant.

I kind of wonder what it feels like to grow up with a relationship with God. It seems so much easier to grow into a religion rather than questioning myself...

What if I am questioning all this because I was questioned. If he didn't ask, would I have thought so much more about this?

On the bus ride back, with an overload of thoughts running through my mind, I kept wondering whether I am questioning religion for myself or for the people around me. Is it their expectations? Whether I am questioning it because I want to fit in or is it for me. And, why now?

It's night time when I question things a lot more. With everything that happened lately, I find it so hard to feel satisfied. This is when I think a lot more. It is also a bad thing because it doesn't feel real. All my thoughts at the end of the day doesn't feel real--it's all surreal, I feel delirious and tired and deprived of sleep. At the same time I am serious about this…but other times, I am wondering, am I really? There's so much thoughts running through my head. Do I want to take this leap of faith? Most importantly, am I questioning this for myself? Do I want to get into all this because someone expected me to? Sometimes I feel like I get into things because people expect me to (and I don't want to let them down) or conformity. Do I truly have too much pride? I should look into other religions...or just stay Agnostic. Am I willing to be vulnerable and talk about this? Honestly, I don't know anymore.

April 3, 2012

Underdeveloped thoughts

The truth is, I'm beginning to believe that none of it ever happened. As fearful as I was at that time, I'm slowly believing that this is all a dream…none of it ever happened, and all this… all this fear, all this paranoia--not real. Laying in bed, seeing it all happen over and over again…sitting there reliving the nightmare, having those events fleeting in an out, I'm wondering whether it's all in my head. But, the truth is, it is real. It did happen. Something that I didn't think would ever happen--happened. How do I deal with this?

And, all I want to do is forget it all…the situation--the everything. Because that's all the past. But, for some reason, I'm letting it hold me back. It's like…I am trying so hard to remember that it happened, because I fear that forgetting it all will lead to repeated mistakes. Does that make any sense?

The shame. The lost of pride. Reevaluating trust. That was real. It is real. Don't let it hold you back. And, don't ever forget.