February 21, 2012

Visiting High School

This strange phenomenon that happens whenever I visit the high school...I feel like I am reverting back to my old self. Not that I have an "old self", but I feel more self-conscious there. Not that I don't feel self-conscious at college. I still lack the confidence to look at people in the eye--still believing people are looking for my flaws.

High school has been over since 2009, but I couldn't help and feel nervous when I dropped by today. I felt like I needed to prove something even though it looks so different. It's like I haven't changed. The only news I had for my teachers was that I was going to Korea. As excited as they were for me, I was indifferent--it didn't seem like a huge achievement. I just don't understand why it hasn't "hit" me yet. Am I really going to another country next Monday!!??

Trying to get to the point, I felt so awkward being there. I've always thought that high school didn't make such a big difference in my life. But, when I felt so awkward standing there, talking about myself, I realized how high school students really made me feel...like I am never good enough. Ahh, I can't seem to explain...like always.

Oh yeah, I realized why I have been so adamant about not visiting the high school. (I haven't gone since last year--some time around my sister's graduation.) I think I hate talking about myself--like everything isn't boast-worthy. I have nothing to brag. I want to hear from them--not the other way around. It's like their goal is to nurture us into these amazing, phenomenal, life-changing people. It seems their lives don't change as much when they get older. And, they want to hear my drastic change.

It's just weird, how I expect people to change--including teachers. When I talk to them, it seems like their lives are on pause. Man, I make it sound like their lives are boring... It seems dull, always teaching the same things, going in a routine. We've always been expected to do great things as we are young, but why don't we hear about the amazing things that people do when they get older? Why doesn't it seem like they do anything else other than their routine? Am I being too quick to assume?

I'm just never going to be content--always complaining about everything. That's something that won't change...

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