February 4, 2012

Never Look Back

One of my unofficial mantras that I always seem to follow is to never look back--whether it's the past or anything else. That's probably why I almost got into a car accident while driving to The Block on Friday! Because I didn't turn around to see if there was a car in the right lane. Seriously, remember, there are blindspots in mirrors!! AHHH!!!

When I went to The Consulate with the other guys (whom are going to Korea with me) on Wednesday, I felt so shameful for quitting so much and never looking back. I use to believe I had the ability to persevere? Ahh, frackkk, I felt so boring, so bland, so inexperienced, so young and naive, compare to them. They made me realize that I don't do anything because I want to keep it safe. My arguments is, is death worth the adventure? Is it better to live a boring, unfulfilled, long life or a short and adventurous, thrill-seeking life? Maybe it is their religious faith that encourage them to continue to believe in living. And my lack of faith is holding me back. I learned in Social Interactions that other religions believe that we (different religious people or Agnostics or Atheists) are not happy-- we are riding a tricycle and they are riding a bicycle. Perhaps that's my biggest problem--I'm not really happy? Getting off this tangent, I never really felt so guilty for giving up on the many things that I thought that were important in my life--musical instruments, photography, video editing, sound, lighting, everything.

Their discussion on photography and video editing made me squirm. When I slowly lost faith in myself, I quit. I stopped trying to improve. It is the constructive criticism. As much as I kind of understood what they were talking about with lenses, etc. I fear for the day when it sounds foreign to me. Frankly, I am already forgetting it all. 50mm 1/8. 35mm 1/4. 24-70mm 2.8. Okay, these are just names of lenses, but will I remember their functions? NO, of course not. Why am I so fickle? Why don't I stick with ONE THING passionately? Is it better to like one thing passionately or be well-rounded? I believed in the latter, but I am beginning to believe in the former. As much I experimented and understood things, I end up forgetting. As human as this is, I hate myself so much for being like this and am drowning in so much self-pity--just because of my inability to commit.

Perhaps the solution to this is to try and relearn everything. But, my fear is the judgments that everyone will have towards me. I can imagine what they think, "I thought she knew. Did she lie to me? What a hypocrite." The more I think about it, I really don't know anything. I thought I knew enough to be an amateur, but I'm just a beginner.

It's just, this is the way I've been brought up. I've always been taught to never look back. I shouldn't have blamed it on my upbringing. It's like the nature vs nurture argument. Maybe, I can't look back in the past to relearn because the past is so mortifying--filled with many embarrassing moments. Despite the past being the past, there are moments that I never want to relive. Sure, I feel nostalgic over many memories, but the embarrassing moments are the ones that I can't rid. They inhibit me from thinking back to what I learned. I can remember all the stupid moments where I tried to sound smart. Instead, I sounded like such a douche.

I always thought that dwelling in the past made it easier to never grow up. But, being a little stubborn and trying to never look back is so much harder. I'm so tired of it all. I give up. I'm going to try again, no matter how hard it is--no matter how much I hate the judgments everyone gives me. No more drowning myself in self-pity. I have to stop giving up, stop settling, stop trying to be perfect and start believing. Start by accepting the fact that I am human. Yes. I feel motivated, but for how long...?

Submarine Symphonika by The Submarines


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