January 10, 2012

Disappointment

I saw one my psychology professors on campus while working today. Odd how I've seen two of my professors on campus, especially since most professors don't work/come to campus during winter intersession unless they need to. It was my computer apps in statistics psych professor.

I thought he was a random student smoking in front of a building. Approaching him, I realized that it was my professor, wearing his fitted v-neck, skinny jeans, and vans--the typical hipster-attire of my homosexual psychology professor (who also looks like Zachary Quinto). I wanted to turn the other way when I realized that it was him because I did poorly in that class. I got a B in the class, but deserved a F. Though, it felt like I learned so much in the class, research-wise, but when I took the exam, I couldn't apply anything I learned to the exam. It was horrible.

So, when he noticed me and waved me over, I maintained a 6 feet distance away from him (but eventually got closer). We talked a bit. As with my other professor last week, I talked about my future adventures to South Korea (seriously, everyone is going to get tired of hearing about my intentions). Near the end of the conversation, I made an excuse to leave.

BUT, I don't know why I did this, I turned around and asked whether he was teaching next semester again (in addition to his research job on campus). He said he was teaching computer stats again. Feeling guilty at the moment, I apologized for doing so poorly in the class. I wanted to do well to prove that I had a possible future in stats, but I couldn't apply it in the exam for some reason. He said it was okay and that I probably didn't do that badly because no one failed and despite the disappointment, he had faith that we all learned. And he found this teaching experience as a learning experience--he planned on trying a different method in teaching. Maybe then, students will understand more.

So, seeing him made me really sad. It made me think about how incompetent I feel. Why do I expect so much in me when I can't even understand statistic outputs? Why am I even considering market research right now, especially with so much statistics involved? Why?

I know... so much self-pity and doubt. As a person, I should be grateful for everything, but I can't help but feel so much of this... I'll get over it soon. I just dwell myself in a little of guilt. It's kind of my coping mechanism...

Comptine d'un Autre Été by Yann Tiersen

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