December 16, 2012

Fall 2012 update!

Right now I should most definitely be studying for finals. However, like always, I'm procrastinating. I sit here doing nothing for awhile and then decide to blog. I swear, this happens every year. I just end up blogging rather than studying. This year, is no different, right? Hopefully not since finals begins on Tuesday for me, so all is well, y'all!

Let me tell you what I've been up to this past semester. I am taking 6 classes this semester with one class at no credit. It's an advertising competition class which I've been fairly excited for until I realized that I can't seem to find much common ground with them. Perhaps I've been judging them. Perhaps it isn't that. I don't know. I just can't seem to see myself working in an advertising agency. Don't get me wrong, I love advertising. Everything about it, getting to understand people, having the a-ha moment, creating clever creative campaign makes it all worth it. But, I don't think I belong in this part of world for long. I'd like to begin my life in an agency, but I want to end elsewhere. I want to be seen as a gal with integrity. I read this infographic where it said a huge percentage of people do not trust those in advertising. That was mindblowing and I'm quite sadden by that fact. But, I gotta move on with that I read and deal with the current situation. I still want to get into advertising, but maybe not forever. Because, forever is a long time, and I can't commit to forever. :)

My other classes. Umm, well, they're kind of boring. Nothing interesting, actually. I am just taking major courses that help me realize that I'm the worst student in the world. All in all, all is well, though!

Hmmm, I also switch jobs. When I came back to California, there weren't spots available at the WoMen's Center, so I took an opportunity at the Study Abroad office. Though, I realized after three months how unhappy I am so quit. Yes, I quit. I am a millenial. I expect a lot. I expect happiness. I expect to feel-good about what I do. I expect to be treated well. Anyway, that's done. And, the WoMen's Center needed someone to cover one of their shifts, so I took a job with them again. Despite the short hours, I am quite content there again. I do feel guilty for being such a Generation Y person, for being a procrastinator, for being so lazy, for expecting so much. :(

Lastly, I started to go to church. I just needed to feel something. Everything got so overwhelming and I had no one to turn towards to. And then, I decided to reach out to a friend who in turned pointed me to Christianity and I decided to take a leap of faith. I can't explain why I did it, but it feels kind of right sometimes. Sometimes (most of the time), I feel like I'm a fraud, a fake, a pretender. Sometimes this doesn't feel real. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a cult, but I think I would know, right? I don't know. I remember my friends once told me that I would most likely be the one who falls into peer pressure first. Perhaps this is peer pressure. I'm doing it because everyone else is doing it, right? Maybe this phase will be temporary. Maybe I'll feel okay enough to not rely on religion to help me through life. Maybe I just want to believe that there's something out there other than this random, meaningless nothing.

Anyway, that's about it, for now, right? Oh right, I spent my birthday relaxing at home. I didn't make a big deal with it with family because I felt I was mature enough to not celebrate it. However, I did want a small cake just to make a wish for everyone else's well-being. Luckily, my wonderful friends from church celebrated a couple days prior to my actual birth date so I did get to make that wish. So, it all turned out well even though it was not the way I wanted--not that I knew what I wanted. Seriously, though, what did I want?

So, this is my slight update on this past semester. I just want to say that I feel so content right now despite my rising stress and fear for finals. So yes, all is well, y'all! I hope I get the chance to update more. 

November 26, 2012

Hello there!

Does anyone ever read this? If so, you should drop by and say hello. Haha. I am shameless for fishing for hellos, right? Seriously, update me on life, will you? So how long has it been since I've updated this blog? It's been two months! I know, this is terrible. I love this blog, but there's too much effort involved when it comes down to editing photos and writings.


Anyway, it's almost my birthday (YIKES, the big 22!)and what I truly want is this watch. Way too many bloggers that I follow have been wearing these beautiful timepieces from Daniel Wellington. Oh yes, I am jealous for my lack of blog status. However, all these complaints aren't going anywhere. I'm still pretty superstitious and would have to purchase my own timepiece.

That's all for today. I shall update more on life soon! :D  

September 30, 2012


So, I went there today. Honestly, I have no idea what to think. Man, I really hate myself a lot. Because, I've gone several times before and still don't know what to think. I guess I'm just afraid of committing. Anyway, I think I'm still as overwhelmed as I always am. But, this has to stop, right? I can't always use confusion as an excuse. I have to I don't know, attempt to read and understand it all, right? UGH, I really don't know. Just, whenever I'm there, I keep getting the chills. Either every single place I've gone to just has freezing cold air conditioning, or, I don't know. But, I really feel okay. Truly, I do. Just, I'm not sure about anything...Maybe I'm not okay, then.

September 28, 2012

Dear Lily

"You can’t hang around waiting for somebody else to pull your strings. Destiny’s what you make of it. You have to face whatever life throws at you. And if it throws more than you’d like, more than you think you can handle? Well then you just have to find the heroism within yourself and play out the hand you’ve been dealt. The universe never sets a challenge that can’t be met. You just need to believe in yourself in order to find the strength to face it." --Darren Shan
Ahhh, anyway,I know I should stop complaining and putting myself down, but that’s how I always dealt with life. I keep saying that I’m ready, so ready for this, but I’m so fricken scared because when you set yourself, push yourself in that direction you thought you’d go and fail, you think you'd be so crushed and depressed that you might be weak enough to give up. Man, I lack so much self-confidence. I'm stronger than that. In actuality, through every single failure, I felt unexpectedly relieved. Also, I couldn’t cry or express any emotions. So, did I really want it? Defensive mechanism, right? I don’t know. However, I did feel more and more hesitant when it comes down to trying. So, I did get affected by the failures, just not the way I thought I would. I just want to remind myself (because I can’t seem to remember life lessons) that it’s okay to try. I just need to find the strength to believe in myself…that’s something I’m trying to come to terms to. So the real question is, do I believe in myself?

Anyway, to motivate myself, I’m going to try and write down how I feel at this moment. How do I feel? Actually, how do you feel? Scared? Worthless? Incompetent? Well, don't, okay? Right now, as of right now, I feel so buzzed on energy. I feel so empowered and excited. Yet, at the same time, I feel so incompetent and powerless. However, how often do you get this opportunity? And, as fucked as my self-esteem is right now, the good feelings outweigh the bad. Despite how experienced and how confident everyone is, they started out the same way. So, please, instead of comparing myself to all of them and seeing that they’re so much better than me and trying to catch up to them, try to look at them equally--as humans. We’re the same. We’re all in the same class together, which makes me equal. So, stop comparing. Stop comparing and feeling as if you have so much to prove. Just stop. Calm down. Stop freaking out. Stop touching your hair. Stop feeling incompetent. Because, despite what you believe, you are better than that. So, remember this. Remember it. Hold onto this feeling. Because despite how you feel in the future, try to hold onto the feelings you have at this moment. Try to remember how empowered and motivated you feel about this. When you forget and have all those low moments, read this and remember that you're doing this because you seriously believe in yourself.

September 24, 2012

Waltz #2 by Elliott Smith


I'm not the biggest fan of searching for new music. I enjoy sitting there waiting for a new song approach me, like, EUREKA! I'm not going to make an effort to find the next new indie sensation. Haha. Indie? I am terrible when it comes down to liking a particular genre in music (though, I kinda dislike r&b and rap more often than not). I actually listen to Top 40 radio stations and sing along likeee ccrazy! Anyway, the number of songs in my itunes is comparably less than most people because I don't know how to download. :( However, I am oh-so-content. :)

Listening to my current-favorite radio station, I heard a catchy song and I had to find it. So, I looked up the song based on the lyrics I remembered and viola, it's Waltz #2! :) Haha. I feel so lame for googling anything. It makes me feel so stupid, not knowing anything. After my search, I realized that I HAVE THE SONG! I have most of Elliott Smith's songs on my laptop (Thanks Roni!). I just don't remember/listen to everything I have. So, thanks, fantastic radio station for reminding me that I have hidden treasures in my tiny music collection. :)

September 23, 2012

Rose-Coloured Lens


So, the little one finally left. And, I am at loss at how I feel. Just, I feel bad that I couldn't see her off. She was devastated, but I felt it was fate. Getting sick was fate, right? Honestly, I was going to go after I barfed, anyway. I already prepared my clothes the night before. And, it was just cramps. But, I psyched myself out this morning, feeling a little unwell. So disgusting. She tried to be strong this morning, but yeah, she's not so good with good-byes. I truly felt guilty for not going so couldn't sleep after they left at 6am.

This photo here is how the world looks in my super spiffy sunglasses. As you can tell, I stopped wearing them...and they're collecting dust. I am always awed by how different the colors are. It's funny...when I first wore these glasses, I kept thinking that the world looked spectacular. But now, it's not special. Minds are fickle. I am fickle. I wonder how my thoughts will differ...in just a couple days

September 22, 2012

July 19th 2012


Remember July 19? I woke up feeling a different perspective. Instead of dreading my day as usual, I felt to energized and buzzed with power. I felt as if there was this sense of purpose for me being here in this world. Actually, as stupid as this sounds, I felt so high on life. Maybe it was because I finished the book. Maybe I had a beautiful dream the night before. I don't know. I just felt as if I was living in this super happy song.

Oh gosh, my writing form is so terrible. But, I can't seem to put my thoughts into words. They're all over the place. Everything looked so beautiful. I couldn't help but admire everything. I thought the skies looked extraordinarily colorful and cheering for me to go through with my day. I can almost remember when I took almost every single photo (yes, that's the curse of a fantastic memory, haha, just kidding). When I saw these photos right now, I couldn't help but transport back to the moment. I was practically whistling with glee leaving through the back door of our house, for work. For some reason I looked up and stoppd abruptly. Oh gosh, the sky looked so beautiful. Just, so so so beautiful. I kept looking and admired the view so decided to capture the moment. Yes, I know, the photos aren't special. Actually, I know some of you all will call them mediocre and shun me for pointing my camera in the sun. But, I don't care. I don't care my photos suck (right now). That doesn't matter (right now). All I care is that these photos captured how I felt at the moment. I am so grateful for all that I have.

September 21, 2012

Dolores Park

Hi there. It's been awhile. Hope you all have been doing well. So, this past summer, I went to Berkeley. I got the chance to see San Francisco again. And, to tell you the truth, the more I go there, the more I want to stay there. But, then again, I have a feeling I just like calm, peaceful, chaotic, noisy places that's not home. Maybe, by identifying some place as a home, it is permanent, making me dislike it all. Maybe, despite how realistic I've always been, I'm actually a dreamer.

I remember sitting around Dolores Park after Roni and I got some sandwiches at Ike's Place. We just sat there. For awhile, we didn't talk. Either we're just terrible with small talk and chatting about life with each other, or we're just content. I really enjoyed taking my time, indulging in happiness. And, yes, happiness did involve a ton of mayo (despite how picky I can get with foods). There was a lot of people (including that lovely man, searching for treasures!) We saw a ton of young adults sitting in the park, enjoying the sun. Unfortunately, a ton of them were smoking marijuana as well. No disrespect, but I dislike the scent of that stuff. I think I have been conditioned to hate that scent after our neighbor broke into our car and left all the ashes in our car. -_____________-

I cannot emphasize enough how relaxed I felt that day. I don't think I felt as relaxed and content as I did during my mini-vacation. I think part of the reason why I felt so happy was because I had to--I paid for this with my own money. I didn't take many photos of details, but that's okay. I don't strive to be a good photographer, anymore.

All I can say is that...I am kind of feeling nostalgic for the past. I keep thinking the past cannot beat the present or the future. This mindset of mine...it will eventually be my downfall. But, for now, just let me think back to the past just a little bit. Thanks. :)

August 27, 2012

Summer 2012


How was this past summer? Honestly, I don't remember much of it. All I can say is that I feel pretty good about myself, so it must have been fairly nice. :)

1. Christine moving in day; hang out at Denny's with Anthony, Christina, Christine, Danny.
2. Bible comes to America; hang out with Alvin, Bible, Fefe (sp?)
3. Hazel's birthday; quick photo with Alice!
4. San Francisco and Berkeley; Prior to watching The Dark Knight Rises with Julian and Roni!
5. On the road; in the car with Veronica + her family!
6. Getty Museum with Alvin, Bible, Fefe
7. Beautiful day; July 19
8. San Francisco; Dolores Park with Roni
9. Cafe Roule; green tea lemonade :)
10. San Francisco; outside of the theatres
11. Game night at Christina's; also a housewarming gathering!
12. Hang out with Christine which turned into a high school reunion and slacklining with Andrew, Annie, Darwin, Danny
13. Old Pasadena with the little one; fantastic snack from the Bun Truck
14. Einstein's Bagels; panini lunches with the sisters (+delicious blueberry smoothie)
15. Berkeley; egg tarts at the dim sum truck with Veronica; delicious, by the way!
16. Old Pasadena with the little one; super delicious frozen yogurt from 21 Choices (you should go there with (or without) me!)  

August 10, 2012

Home

is where the heart is. I always thought that saying was so stupid. I mean, how can home be where the heart is? Home is always the place you can go to to feel comfort and secure. I guess I thought like that because my home has been the same place for the past 20 years or so. But, coming back home, I realized my idea of how home should be, has changed. It isn't where I am--it's where the heart is. Hah, it has taken me so long to realize this. Anyway, I know I am fickle. Eventually, my mindset will change. But, for now, this is how I feel. It's just, I tend not to understand why my thoughts are so inconsistent. I forget that it's okay to think otherwise all the time--yes, I am hypocritical, but it's okay. 

August 3, 2012

I'M IN THE BAY AREA!


The drive was long, but not as long as the plane ride to Korea. But, just as boring. This long car ride was worth the break I need. Anyway, I always thought of myself as the type of person who can't take naps in the presence of other people, like in people's cars, rooms, any place that's not my home, but I've learned the hard way (while I was in Korea) that I can fall asleep when tired enough. Long story short, I fell asleep for the longest time and I'm pretty sure that Veronica's dad thinks I sleep a lot; at one point he was like, "Is your friend asleep again?" Ahhhhmygawwwddddd, so embarrassing!

On the other hand, thanks for the ride and dinner. :)

July 19, 2012

This morning

when I woke up, I thought of something different. Instead of dreading my day as usual, I thought, "Hey, it's going to be okay. Thank you, whoever you are, for just being there." I just finished reading the book the Emma gave me, last night. I know, I know, it took me two months to finally finish it? But, what counts is that I finally finished it, okay. So, I'm still a skeptic, but everything I've read in the past few days confirmed what everyone has been telling me for the past couple months. I'm wary, but more accepting. It's okay to feel broken--it's not necessary to be perfect. 

So my day wasn't exactly perfect. Yes, I almost ran over a bicyclist. Yes, I felt so overwhelmed with work...because I took a day off yesterday. Yes, I felt guilty for lying. Yes, I felt uncomfortable talking to my old boss. Yes, all these things did happen, but oddly, I felt okay!

Despite what I'm saying, it's going to be tough to feel the way I feel right now, because at the end of the day, I still feel drained, but I'm feeling a little more at peace. Everyday is going to be a different day... I'm not always going to feel as at peace as I felt this morning, but I think this is the beginning of something good. It's as if I can take on the world! haha. 

Like my optimism? I kind of like it... I'm not use to it, but I like it. :)

July 17, 2012

Work/Academic Schedules

So today is my registration date. I'm just so tired and stressed out over thinking about registering for classes. Because, not only do I create my classes for myself, I want to do it for others. Ohgoodness, I'm at school on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays all day. Well, basically 8am - 7pm. :/ It's not so bad compare to my schedule last fall. 

I'm just afraid that things would be exactly the same as last fall, where I couldn't handle my workload and yeah, broke down last minute. I'm afraid of that happening again. Hope it doesn't. 

Anyway, I told Kathryn that I was working about 14 hours a week and she was okay with it, but she told me that it wasn't enough. I felt as if that's more than enough, but I know what she means. All she has is 3 student assistants to help her with study abroad stuff and that's all. It doesn't help when one of the students barely comes to work. So, she's going to hire someone to work about 20 hours a week (eeek!). However, it looks like I might be there A LOT, taking 5 classes and working! My work schedule is like: 12pm - 4pm (or 5pm) on Tuesdays, Thursday, and Fridays?  That's like all my afternoons. :/ I don't even get a social life. But then again, I don't exactly have a social life. When I do hang out with friends, it's usually the weekends, so I guess that's all right. I'm just feeling a little guilty for not hanging out with everyone that much. But, then again, something that most of my friends know, but don't do is visit me. They are more than welcome to come join me while I work. My supervisors are pretty much okay with it. I may look busy, but I can still interact with them. 

Ah, getting to the point, I am contemplating on working an extra four hours. Instead of having one of my classes in the morning, I am going to have that class from 7pm - 10pm on Tuesday evenings. How's about that? I don't know! Do I really want to stay that long? Wouldn't I crash and burn at the end of the day? If I were to stay at school that late, it will only be for myself, not for school! It sounds so draining. So, my contemplation on this situation is....should I please Kathryn and work an additional 4 hours a week, causing me to stay at school longer, and most likely breaking down near the end of the semester? Or should I not? I mean the perks for working two hours extra in the morning is that is I get to start my classes much later in the day, meaning I can hit traffic and not worry about being late to class. Also, I will get more money. Lastly, I get to please her. ARGHGHSDFJKDS!!!! This is terrible. Just the thought of my academic/work schedule makes me feel like barfing right now. :/ 

July 15, 2012

Drama drama drama

Sometimes I forget it's not always about me. While I'm freaking out about how my entire life has changed after coming back, everything else is happening. And I'm just going through, "first world problems" (YAY! I used a pop culture term; I barely learned about that term a couple days ago). Soyeah, onto this post:

It gets easier, right? Hah, absolutely not! Oh gosh. The stupid problems I have. There is way too much drama at home with the sisters. Instead of doing anything to solve it, I'm staying away. She told me to defend her like the way she always did for me. I told her that I wanted to avoid conflict because that's how I am. I just want to stay behind the lines, watching, picking up the pieces of whatever the aftermath is. But, I guess I'm like this because I'm afraid. I've been hurt too many times to count by her, trying to fight for myself, only to get pushed down over and over. There's no point with fighting with her because she'll always be right. Maybe if I wore her shoes, I'd see where she's coming from, but I lost all my respect for her. She's not my role model. 

So, I keep telling her not to listen to her. Don't get pushed around by her. Don't let her anger get to you. Who gives a crap about what she thinks? Why are you letting her get to you? Don't listen to her. Come to me when you need something, because I'll always be there. Ahh, I'm such a liar. Easier said than done. I'm not the sister that you want me to be and for that, I'm sorry. I've been letting her screw me over so much that I'm avoiding her all together. I can't stand up to her for you. I'm sorry.

But, crying, you have to stop crying. Because crying is weak. It shows that you are vulnerable. It makes people feel guilty. It makes you look like a girl, for the lack of better argument. It just is... Oh god, I'm terrible. I am quite the sexist, huh? But, note the fact that she stopped with her attitude and tried to stop you crying. Instead of solving the argument, it ended up being her trying to stop you from crying. Anyway, I'm sorry that you're stuck with me. 

My sister. If she read this, she'll say everything I wrote here is stupid. That's not how I should I be living life. I should be able to defend her because she's the youngest. I should be able to stand up to the oldest. I should stop being so scared. I should be stronger. But, I'm sorry, I can't. I'm a coward. I am weak. Truly, I am. 

Someone once said that I talked about all the bad moments in my life because I want to perceived as weak. Maybe that person was right. I'm starting to believe that. And, I assume his response to this (because he claims he knows me; that I'm so darn predictable; that I'm easy): Got you. 

Anyway, it'll get better. I just have to have faith and stop being weak. 

July 14, 2012

Coming to terms, etc


One month ago today, I came back home from my semester abroad in South Korea. Instead of being happy, I was shocked from the reverse culture shock I gained. For awhile, I had to put up this fake facade, pretending that I was glad to be home. Inside, I was freaking out. How was it that I was there and now I'm back? I couldn't grasp onto that. How could everything at home be the same, but collecting dust? Why? Being frustrated, I kept noticing all the flaws at home. It wasn't the same as my lifestyle in Korea. I had the toughest time trying to assimilate. If home was home, why was I having so much trouble accepting it? So, I got a new job, I hung out with friends, I tried to have me-time, I tried to change things. 

Flash forward to a month later (today) and I can't say that I'm okay. But, all I have to say is that I'm accepting home again. As a consequence, though, I'm forgetting it all. Did I truly spend all those months in Korea? Did I truly gain those friendships (that would eventually fail because I have way too many expectations)? Did I truly gain all those memories--the good and the bad? Did I truly get out of my comfort zone and did all that? Did all of this really happen? Did it? Because I feel as if I'm reverting back to who I was. The me that I don't even know. 

Briefly hanging out with the guys the other day, it made me think. I feel torn between the person I was and the person I am turning into. Because, I don't know which one I am. Am I still faking it? Am I really glad to be back? Am I accepting it? Am I forgetting it all? Will I forget it all? I don't want to forget, but I am. So, that's what I'm accepting--forgetting some of those things. While I had a ton of great memories, I felt as if things gotten a lot more dark in the end. And, I'm more than glad to try and forget them because it still hurts--I caught myself tearing up while driving the other day while thinking about an argument I had. I felt challenged and my values were compromised--a lack of comfort. Maybe I'm being super dramatic and years/months from now, I'll laugh at my stupidity, but for now, it still hurts. That raw feeling of hurt. It's all real. I kind of can't wait to forget it all happened. 

So what I really wanted to write here was a decent post, telling myself that I am okay--I was okay with coming back, that I was coming into terms with being home. But, who I am kidding, I'm not really. I thought I was okay, but when I saw them, it's as if I kind of reverted. Let's blame them for reverting me back to who I was, right? I guess I am not as strong as I thought I am. I kind of feel vulnerable and childish around them. And, I don't know. I'm just crazy and insane. So despite how effed up I'm feeling right now, thanks for reminding me that I'm crazy. I may pretend to be okay, but inside I'm a person who can still feel. 

I'm so full of contradictions. I can't really come to terms with that because I always thought I saw things in black and white. But, I guess that's okay, because everyone else is full of it. 

Ending this post, I survived being home for a month! AND, I am thinking of studying abroad in London. And, I'm not sure of grad school anymore. And, I am afraid of student debt. And, HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY VERONICA! (I don't know if you still read my blog anymore, but if you do, yay!) Thanks for taking the time to Skype with me, after a gazillion days of miscommunications. <3 Hope you're enjoying your last two weeks of Singapore! I can't wait to see you and have fun adventures with you in August. 

Caring too much


Do I care too much? I remember when I went through that one incident of turmoil of fear and panic last fall, she told me that my personality shows that I cared. I cared too much for people, following up, asking them questions, creating huge misunderstandings. So, I tried to stop for awhile. Not asking people how they are. Not following up. Not making any effort for awhile. But, I guess I can't really stop that part of me. Because, that's me. I want to know. I am tempted to continue to care. I really want to know. In a world where we all only care about ourselves (which is okay, too), I want others to understand that there are people who truly want to know what's happening. I hope people would stop misunderstanding my intentions, though. Because, truly, I do care. And that's all. No ulterior motives. 

July 12, 2012

Not all who wander are lost (but I am)


So how long has it been since I last wrote? Just under a month ago. June 14. Right now, it is July 12, so almost a month. Anyway, I have been neglectful because I have no idea what to write--all the thoughts in my head are dark and murky and I don't know, just plain depressing. As much as I want to feel happy, I can't seem to bring myself up. The only times I feel cheerful is whenever I am interacting with someone. Alone, I am compelled to think about all these things in life. Anyway, I know, I am being repetitive. I'm trying not to, but I am.

Despite my inability to write, I am choosing to start again. Why? I don't know. Perhaps, I am beginning to believe that initiating and doing something will change me. Since I can't seem to feel okay for now, I have to pretend that everything is okay. Then, one day, things will be okay. :) Haha. So, I'm going to try and start out light. 

How have things been lately? Um, I haven't done much. Um, I think I can sum up my summer so far pretty quickly: Got a job, helped a friend move out/in, went to a birthday party, hung out with a visiting friend, ditched work, caught up with a childhood friend, shopping with friends, webcammed with a friend, work a lot, had an awkward exchange with a couple friends. Ah, um, yeah, as you gathered through all this, I haven't been doing much. More recently, I'm just wandering. Just trying to figure it out. I keep wondering... I keep pondering, "Who am I?" And, what I get are all these superficial things. But, take all those superficial things out and who am I, for reals? Just a person. That's all. Oh man. No purpose. Nothing. Why am I thinking like this? That's what I don't understand. We all go through this, but I can't move on. Is/will religion be the solution? Am I giving too much faith on something else to help me? Ultimately, I believe, it's up to me to get out of this rut. But, I can't. No, scratch that, I won't

That's all for today, I guess. :) Thanks for listening.

June 14, 2012

I'm Back

I was pretty excited to get home during the plane rides back. And, I just got back home over an hour ago. Unfortunately, it feels oddly the same. Truly, it's not a good thing. As if time stopped and nothing changed. Which means I will be the same. And, I don't want to be the same. Ayeee.... Anyways, I am crying right now because I miss Korea a lot. It's crazy how much I miss the people there. I hope I will feel better soon. I don't want to forget them, but this dull pain I'm feeling, it's hurts a lot; I don't want to feel it anymore. I know I will feel better! Until then, I'll just try to endure all this. Crap, I really need to go out and do something. I need to learn how to love California again....

May 30, 2012

thoughts on leaving

Disclaimer: This is a long and dragged out post so if you don't want to read it, just don't. Also, this is probably the first of many similar sounding posts (even though I don't want that to happen)...

It’s too early, but I’m already feeling it—this unsettling feeling. Like, I want to barf, like there are butterflies in my stomach. Just nervousness. Just like RIGHT before I went to South Korea. Just like that time when I sat in SFO, waiting to get into that plane at Singapore Airlines, right next to Abe, thinking that I was going to barf on him. It’s this feeling of not wanting to let go of South Korea. Right upon arrival, I kept squirming in my seats, out of fear, out of fear of being uncomfortable, out of fear of hating Korea, out of leaving the comfort and security of home/family/friends. I honestly thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown—I kept breathing hard, trying to calm myself down. I kept pinching myself, trying to believe that this wasn’t a dream. I had to convince myself that this was real. I was finally gone—I finally, finally, finally had the courage to let myself out of my comfort zone, but it felt so wrong being out for so long. However, when I first came to the dorms and everything, I thought it was okay. It didn’t feel surreal. It just felt okay. I felt comfortable. It was really odd for me. I didn’t think I’d feel comfort for South Korea right upon arrival. I just didn’t expect it because I tend to hate everything.

For the longest time, I tried to find my routine. Just when I thought I found my routine, we had our internship. After our internship, a series of other things happened. Life and other adventures happened.  But, once again, I have a routine. Though, it is time to move on and go back home. I guess I’m afraid that when I go back home, I’ll revert back to the old me—the one who did nothing, the one who was too scared to do anything, the me who I kind of hate a lot right now, the me who was a coward. Okay, it’s not like I changed drastically while in Korea. I know I am still the somewhat the same, but being here, I feel as if I changed, I feel comfortable with how things are. Ultimately, I am afraid of change.

As everyone is pumped up and excited to go home, I’m somewhat dreading it. Maybe it’s because I feel as if I don’t have attachments at home. That’s not true, because I have so many people who I love and appreciate dearly. It’s just, somehow, beyond what I thought would ever happen, I grew attached with South Korea. I stopped regretting Australia and all the other countries--this was the right choice! When I get home, what am I going to do? Will I live a different life? Will I yearn for my South Korean life? Will I miss it too much? I have a feeling I will.

All the people I’ve met here, everyone that I encountered here, changed my life in different ways. And, I’m afraid of letting them go because I know I’d forget.

All week, I’ve been feeling unsettled about leaving. I don’t know if it’s because of this or because of another situation. All I know is that I feel like crying all the time.

I’m just not ready to let go. But, it’s happening, so I have to try and feel pumped. The problem is…I don’t know how.

By writing how I feel now, will that help? Will it stop that feeling from growing? I want it to stop. I kind of want to feel the way I did. I didn’t really react to many life events for the last couple years. Like, I didn’t feel anything when I graduated high school. (On the other hand, I’m really emotional when it comes down to sad movies.) I don’t know when, but I kind of stopped feeling things. I think it was a form of defense mechanism. I just kept lying to myself. The more I lied, the easier it was not to feel. Now, it’s as if Korea has changed me. Oh my goodness, am I thawing? I’m not saying that I didn’t feel anything before. It’s more like I couldn’t and wouldn’t show it. I just didn’t want to show that I was vulnerable in front of everyone.

So, these are my thoughts on all this as of May 30, 2012, 9pm KST (or 5am PST)! There are a lot of typos! :/ I hope I stop feeling this way and start doing something about it! My time left is limited! I have to stop moping and live it! 

May 21, 2012

This feeling.


How do I feel right now? Vulnerable because I have nowhere to hide. Nowhere. I can't even write how I feel here anymore. I'm just too afraid of saying the wrong things. STUPID right? This is my sanctuary. This was the place where I could write how I TRULY thought (well not truly, but at least an abstract). I think this calls for a new blog--one that I don't share?. I don't know. Maybe. I just feel too old for this. Why do I overshare? Why?

Anyway, things have been pretty hectic lately. The week after the internship, I went bungee jumping with the other international students. The week after that, we all spent a weekend on Jeju Island. All of that was fun despite how indifferent I might have looked. Ugh? Why am I like this? I question why I am this all the time…and I don't know, I am kind of sick of this. 

More recently, I don't know. Things are so hard to explain, especially since I don't even know what's going on. All I can say is that I feel so disoriented, unraveled, vulnerable. Can you believe this? I hate the way I feel right now. But, that's life, right? We don't always feel content… 

Anyway, lovely people back at home whom are reading this, I am sorry that I haven't been updating my blogs recently. Also, don't worry about me, okay? Everything is/will be okay. I'm just a little frustrated on life. But, like I said, this is life… I will be okay even if things don't go the way I want.

May 8, 2012

Internship Days


04242012
During the subway ride back, a woman gets on board. I thought she looked beautiful. I didn't know why though. She didn't look any special…she looked normal with her glasses, long hair, and dress. Then, I noticed that she had a slight bump on her stomach and thought to myself, "She's pregnant. I should offer her my seat." Just as I was about to move up, I thought, "Wait, what if she's not pregnant? Wouldn't she be insulted? Wait, how do you know when someone is really pregnant? What should I do?" While I was contemplating, someone finally stands up and goes to the next subway car, allowing her to sit down. 

Why didn't I just offer her my seat right then? Because I am a conformist. As much as I want to be a nonconformist, I am a conformist. Straight up conformist. I follow people. I hate the attention. I am an idiot. 

04262012 
T: "What do you want to drink? Americano, espresso or latte."
L: "Um…none of them. I don't drink coffee." 
T: "How about apple cider or ice cream?"
L: "Ah, okay, how about apple cider."
L: "Okay."
T: "So, sparkling or regular."
L: "Seriously, what's the difference?"
T: "One is sparkling." 
L: "Um, sparkling apple cider then." 

Lily sees the receipt on the screen and gasps when she sees that it's about 4000 won for apple cider! Drinks arrive after a long awkward silence.

L: "Thank you" (said nicely to Hank)
H: "You're welcome" 
T: "You're so shy and cute, Lily" 
L: "Haha…thank you."
T: Do you have a boyfriend?" 
L: "No"
T: Why? You're so cute.
L: No one likes me.
T: That's not true. Did you ever have a boyfriend?
L: No.
T: Why? You're a grown woman!
L: Because I'm busy with school work? 
T: You have to date. 
L: Okay. 
T: How about Hank?
L: Ummm (smiles at Hank and Tammy awkwardly)
T: Haha. Hank is single!
L: Okay…
T: What do you think of Hank? 
L: (looks at Hank and stupidly says) Hi!
T: So what do you think? 
L: He's okay. 

We get back to the office and mind our business; she's talking to some male coworker. I hear my name and look up. One of the guys (Yoon?) looks at me. 

L: (waves) Hi!
Y: (flustered) Hello!
T: (she's just cracking up)

A couple more minutes, she's talking to another coworker...
T: Lily! What about him? He's Chinese!
L: Hello again! (Goes back to work immediately)

Apple cider is almost 5000 won as oppose to coffee. 

04272012
"Lily, just wear your running shoes. Your feet will thank you."
"NO! I'm okay. I told you I'd wear them when we finally eat."
"Stop being so stubborn. I have three sisters. I know they hurt."
"Too bad I'm not listening to you." 
"Stop being so stubborn and full of pride." 
"I don't caree..." 
"This is what I do. I only point out things. I can't offer solutions." 
"…"
"That's what happened with my ex-girlfriend. I couldn't offer solutions. Then we broke up after a month. She broke up with me." 
"Really…" 
"Just kidding. I broke up with her." 
"Was it because she didn't live up to your expectations? She couldn't live up the image you made her up to be? Because she had flaws?"
"No…she was exactly the way I thought she was, flaws and all. Just, she--I think I liked her because she confused me. She was my first kiss. I kept thinking and getting confused and thought, 'Hey, I think I like her.' But, I broke up after a month."

04302012
Getting ready to leave, two of the guy coworkers from my new desk location spoke to me in Korean. In reply, I said, "Sorry! I speak English and Chinese." So, they started speaking to me in Chinese. Apparently, more than half the office spoke Chinese as their second language. This is how our conversation went; they spoke in Chinese and I replied in English because I was so self-conscious of my Chinese and they weren't confident of their English. I already forgotten one of their names, but one of them told me that his name was "Brad Pitt". Laughing, I said, "Really? You do look like him!" He looked surprised when I said that. Was I not suppose to joke around? OH, the joys of speaking with someone in Chinese--kinda.

05012012
"Lily, who do you think is cuter? Him or Him?" 
"Ahhh…both!"
"Haha. You have to choose one. He's A and he's B. Choose one." 
"Both."
"It's okay. You can whisper who you think is cuter." 
Whispers, "Both." 
"Okay" (she thought I said B)

05022012
"I really like your American accent." 
"Hahaha. Thank you! I think you're really cute."
"You're lying. Americans always say insincere compliments after someone compliments them." 
"You're right we do that a lot….(10 second pause) but seriously, you are so cute! You are so tiny and cute. I don't know. I thought you were so cute when I saw you earlier today." 
"aww..thank you." 

05032012
I am such an idiot, sometimes. When Alvin haggled to buy a pair of USA boxers as a gag gift for his coworker and got what he wanted, I said, "He was just waiting for you to haggle." As we left the vendor, he said, "You know, everyone here speaks English right?" I said, "Yeah, I guess." He said, "Well, that means he understood you when you said 'he was just waiting for you to haggle.'" 

I am such an idiot. I felt so stupid. SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO stupid. Can't believe how insensitive I was. 

05042012
To explain this story, a little background must be established. Basically, I sit in a multipurpose desk--there are supplies and other important things located in the desk; it's a supply closet! Sitting in my desk, reading through my old blogs, one of the guys in the office came to get the key. He saw my candy wrappers all over the desk and took them all away to trash. How sweet, right? It's the small gestures that go a long way. 

April 16, 2012

leap of faith

Disclaimer: If you don't want to read one of my most confusing posts ever, with terrible form, and a search of self-identity, just stop here.

Being a little personal (because it's more difficult to talk about in person), it was my first time attending a church service this past Sunday (April 15) and I didn't know what to expect. Growing up as a Buddhist, I found this an experience. Upon arrival, we were greeted warmly. I have been taught to be wary of those who approached me and felt uncomfortable speaking with people who approached us--because I felt like an outsider who didn't belong and also because of my inability to speak with new people.

The whole time, I was in awe…so many people here together, just so many people coming together and I don't know what else to say. The service itself was somewhat enlightening. I never realized how important charisma truly is. The message resonate, but I was somewhat confused. I thought I understood, but I am beginning to second guess what I thought I heard. Well, that's about it…there's more I want to say about what I heard, but they're just scattered, undeveloped thoughts.

Much after, he (I feel weird using names) had a conversation with me, asking whether I accept Jesus Christ. I was a little taken aback and felt slightly uncomfortable, but at the same time, I knew it was coming. I may have felt unsettled, but I listened to him and tried to talk about my thoughts on everything. Anyway (it's should be obvious, but) I am still questioning religion and am somewhat curious; I didn't have to attend the church service and could have left the day before or waited outside or I don't know; ultimately, it was my choice despite the circumstances. Despite growing up as a Buddhist, I feel Agnostic. I didn't know what I felt about anything; instead of trying to figure it out, I chose the easy way out and believe there must be something else--but nothing solid.

All I need is faith to be rewarded with heaven because he already sacrificed himself. I explained how I found it so hard to believe that history can be preserved so well, how the proof doesn't seem like proof. But, I only believe this because of everyone around me believing that. So, what are my actual thoughts on all this, really? I don't know.

As he explained that he knew a lot of people who had too much pride (or maybe too scared) to allow something else to "control" them, I fell into that category. I find it challenging…to allow myself to believe.

At the same time, I feel like prior to anything else, I have to be selfish and try to find myself; but that's rather stupid, because no one can really find out who they truly are. We're all slowly evolving and changing--there's no constant.

I kind of wonder what it feels like to grow up with a relationship with God. It seems so much easier to grow into a religion rather than questioning myself...

What if I am questioning all this because I was questioned. If he didn't ask, would I have thought so much more about this?

On the bus ride back, with an overload of thoughts running through my mind, I kept wondering whether I am questioning religion for myself or for the people around me. Is it their expectations? Whether I am questioning it because I want to fit in or is it for me. And, why now?

It's night time when I question things a lot more. With everything that happened lately, I find it so hard to feel satisfied. This is when I think a lot more. It is also a bad thing because it doesn't feel real. All my thoughts at the end of the day doesn't feel real--it's all surreal, I feel delirious and tired and deprived of sleep. At the same time I am serious about this…but other times, I am wondering, am I really? There's so much thoughts running through my head. Do I want to take this leap of faith? Most importantly, am I questioning this for myself? Do I want to get into all this because someone expected me to? Sometimes I feel like I get into things because people expect me to (and I don't want to let them down) or conformity. Do I truly have too much pride? I should look into other religions...or just stay Agnostic. Am I willing to be vulnerable and talk about this? Honestly, I don't know anymore.

April 3, 2012

Underdeveloped thoughts

The truth is, I'm beginning to believe that none of it ever happened. As fearful as I was at that time, I'm slowly believing that this is all a dream…none of it ever happened, and all this… all this fear, all this paranoia--not real. Laying in bed, seeing it all happen over and over again…sitting there reliving the nightmare, having those events fleeting in an out, I'm wondering whether it's all in my head. But, the truth is, it is real. It did happen. Something that I didn't think would ever happen--happened. How do I deal with this?

And, all I want to do is forget it all…the situation--the everything. Because that's all the past. But, for some reason, I'm letting it hold me back. It's like…I am trying so hard to remember that it happened, because I fear that forgetting it all will lead to repeated mistakes. Does that make any sense?

The shame. The lost of pride. Reevaluating trust. That was real. It is real. Don't let it hold you back. And, don't ever forget.

March 29, 2012

Homesick

People tell me that it's unavoidable to get homesick while studying abroad. When I was told this, I scoffed, believing that I could be an exception. True to everyone's words, I got homesick and tried to lie to myself about it. It has been rather difficult to lie to myself, because I know myself a little too well. However, when in a group, it has been a little easier to forget it all. Alone, I feel it. The solitude is slowly killing me. For some reason, I found today the hardest for me. I mean, I've been alone before. But, I've felt the turmoil of emotions--anger, sadness, melancholy..

It's suppose to get easier, right? I was suggested, whenever feeling homesick, I should go outside and do something. Just be distracted. Truthfully, I haven't been doing much. My only distraction is hanging out with the guys. But, they have a life. Another thing is running. However, my foot is hurt. All I want to do is run. Just run, run, run and forget it all.

It sickens me. I'm just overwhelming myself with so much self-pity.

I can't wait until this passes.

March 28, 2012

A sense of accomplishment

It can be frustrating, living in a country where one is unfamiliar with their primary language. Being in South Korea for the past month (it has been 30 days!), life has been relatively easy because many students I interacted with understood English well. Additionally, I always had someone there to help in a time of need. I thought things would continue to stay simple, until today.

Anyway, for some reason, my left foot has been hurting lately. I have no idea why. Maybe it is because I have been walking incorrectly. Maybe it is because I have been walking too much. Maybe I am wearing the wrong shoes. Maybe, it's all in my head! For the past few days, I got Abe to get me the (Korean version of) Icy Hot to spray from the dormitory office. Today, (fed up) and probably irritated of my recent (and more mean) attitude, he and Alvin suggested that I learn how to say and get it myself.

I was pretty pissed off by their suggestion and felt like crying out of frustration so left them. It was the end of the night and all I wanted to do was shower and sleep, yet didn't want to speak in butchered Korean with the people there. I want to be perfect and saying Konglish isn't perfect!

After my shower, and an intensive English review session with Sienna, I decided not to let my pride get the best of me and ask the dorm office for the spray in badly spoken Korean. Long story short, the guy at the dorm office understood me. When he gave it to me, I felt a sense of euphoria. I DID IT! I managed to communicate in Korean! That's step one, everyone!

So, as annoyed I was at Abe and Alvin, I appreciate their nudging. They helped me get out of my comfort zone and feel a sense of accomplishment for doing so. Thanks guys (even though you'll never get the chance to read this blog)!

March 25, 2012

Overthinking

So, this has been on my mind and I feel that it is something necessary to write about.

Today (or yesterday? It's past 12am, so I think it's yesterday), I came back from Seoul and got my roommate a plain pastry. I also got myself a pastry that had custard in the middle. When I gave it to her, she seemed pretty content. Much later, when I came back to my room, I noticed that she gave me back the pastry I gave her and put some fruits there, too. I was thankful, but also confused. She explained that she exchanged her plain pastry for my custard filled pastry because she likes cream more. Then, she looked at me, questioning whether it was okay. I felt pretty indifferent as she told me, but I also didn't really want the plain pastry.

I know I am over thinking this, but is this the norm here? Taking other people's stuff without asking them first? Or, is this some form of bullying? I really didn't care that she took it, but the more I think about it right now, the more I think there is some underlying consequence for not confronting her about it. I really like her and beginning to get scared; what if she takes my stuff without me knowing? I'm pretty trusting, assuming that she doesn't go through my stuff. Ohh goodness, I am getting really paranoid. :/

March 6, 2012

Sock Thief

Today has been a rather uneventful day, as I finally left my room at 12:30pm for lunch with Sienna. (Maybe I shouldn't have dropped my classes.) Then, went for a quick run/walk with Abe and Alvin. It was a terrible idea. It was very windy out there and we couldn't feel anything. Despite feeling regretful, I had fun. It's all about attitude.

Later this evening, we all did laundry. We all purchased a big bag of detergent together. Unfortunately, we didn't buy fabric softener. So, we all borrowed my roommate's delicious smelling fabric softener. Oh, goodness, it still smells amazing. I don't like doing laundry, but it smells really good.

Ending this, I am missing a sock. Why do I always miss a sock? There has to be a place in this world where missing socks go in hiding.

Facing Reality

When I met up with them last week, I asked him how he was doing, remembering that he was a radio-tv-film major. He told me that he graduated from DIMA this past semester and now goes to (don't know the name) university in Seoul to study business. Surprised, I yelped, "What?! You weren't a business major before!! WHY?" He replies, "I faced reality."

Hearing what he said made me really sad. I don't know…I assumed that he'd continue with his passion. It just made me depressed. Despite me not caring about what he said at the moment, his words pondered in my mind all week.

Facing reality isn't really my thing (or, well, anyone else). I don't want to know that everything isn't going to be okay; life really isn't going to be okay? But, it's true. Things are hard. You can't become who you want to be. I don't know what I am saying.

But sometimes all we need to do is give a leap of faith. Faith that things will be okay. I kind of wish he had faith. It makes me realize how intangible things can be…and that scares me.

March 1, 2012

The Submarines

This feels like a long-awaited long post, but I'm not going to write about Korea, as I have so much to say. (I have written a lot of disorganized thoughts about everything so far. So bear with me.) All I have to say is that I got here fine, y'all. Well, you know that already since I am writing here.

So, last Friday, Alice and I went to watch Ra Ra Riot, The Submarines, and Papa perform at the Observatory down in Santa Ana. We first had Mexican food at some random place in Santa Ana. That place looked so shady. There were people loitering in front of the fast food place. Seriously wanted to go eat at the Subway next door after seeing them. But, we stayed. Anyway, I ordered one fish taco and also wanted to get chicken nuggets and fries. But, guess what happened? The cashier told me THEY RAN OUT OF CHICKEN NUGGETS. How dare they deprive me of them? I was ready to try a chicken nugget again after years of deprivation, but NO!!!! So, a fish taco and a lot of fries, and some pineapple drink. Hands down, King Taco is still better.

Heading to the concert, this is embarrassing to say, because I was navigating her phone with GPS, but I got us lost. When we passed by The Observatory, I thought it was a movie theater--with the crummy looking words on the sign. Such a fail. Who gets lost with a GPS?

About the concert. One word--amazing! I don't like gushing, but it was amazing, seeing them all perform live. Especially, Ra Ra Riot (even though I barely listen to them)--they looked so passionate while performing and having fun. Maybe they aren't as friendly as I perceived them, but it looks that way. The worst part about working backstage was seeing all the drama happening and being treated like crap. But, seeing this, it made me want to do stagecraft again. Oh, and The Submarines were (and still are) awesome. I tried to take photos of them, but for some stupid reason, I turned up the ISO in my camera. Seriously, why in the world did I do that? It wasn't even dark. Anyway, I didn't get any decent photos. At the end of the concert, I went to purchase a CD from them. The lead female singer said, "You want to buy this? We're not Ra Ra Riot." Shocked, I said, "Yeah! I wanted to buy a CD from you guys! You guys are awesome!" Oh, I was kind of starstruck, talking to her. I kept saying that they were awesome. And, I asked if she could sign the CD. I am such a weirdo--I forgot to ask the male singer to sign it, too! :\

&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oV9NLtZBhL4?hl=en"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;img src="http://www.gtaero.net/ytmusic/play.png" alt="Play" style="border:0px;" /&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;
You, Me, and Bourgeoisie by The Submarines

February 21, 2012

Visiting High School

This strange phenomenon that happens whenever I visit the high school...I feel like I am reverting back to my old self. Not that I have an "old self", but I feel more self-conscious there. Not that I don't feel self-conscious at college. I still lack the confidence to look at people in the eye--still believing people are looking for my flaws.

High school has been over since 2009, but I couldn't help and feel nervous when I dropped by today. I felt like I needed to prove something even though it looks so different. It's like I haven't changed. The only news I had for my teachers was that I was going to Korea. As excited as they were for me, I was indifferent--it didn't seem like a huge achievement. I just don't understand why it hasn't "hit" me yet. Am I really going to another country next Monday!!??

Trying to get to the point, I felt so awkward being there. I've always thought that high school didn't make such a big difference in my life. But, when I felt so awkward standing there, talking about myself, I realized how high school students really made me feel...like I am never good enough. Ahh, I can't seem to explain...like always.

Oh yeah, I realized why I have been so adamant about not visiting the high school. (I haven't gone since last year--some time around my sister's graduation.) I think I hate talking about myself--like everything isn't boast-worthy. I have nothing to brag. I want to hear from them--not the other way around. It's like their goal is to nurture us into these amazing, phenomenal, life-changing people. It seems their lives don't change as much when they get older. And, they want to hear my drastic change.

It's just weird, how I expect people to change--including teachers. When I talk to them, it seems like their lives are on pause. Man, I make it sound like their lives are boring... It seems dull, always teaching the same things, going in a routine. We've always been expected to do great things as we are young, but why don't we hear about the amazing things that people do when they get older? Why doesn't it seem like they do anything else other than their routine? Am I being too quick to assume?

I'm just never going to be content--always complaining about everything. That's something that won't change...

February 15, 2012

Oxford Heels

It's a weird day today--sunshine, rain, and cloud. This inspires me to write a badly written story! As you all know, I'm a teaching assistant for communications history. There are more than 200 students in that class. I am there to help lighten the workload for my professor. What I do is facilitate study sessions, quizzes, and exams as well as correct and input grades. My work isn't particularly difficult (though inputting grades are a pain in the butt) because there is another assistant, Bev.

The very last day I saw Bev and Professor L was during Finals week. We had to go and facilitate the final. Anyway, Bev brought a pair of purple oxford heels. She said that she had a broadcast journalism final so she brought those to wear.

As Bev, Professor L, and I left the communications building after hours of frustration (because we messed up on the scantrons), Bev asked me to hold onto her heels while she looked for an umbrella. Professor L saw those heels, he said, "In my time, we called those--". Abruptly, Bev said, "I know, these are hooker heels." He laughed and said something along the lines of, "No. I was going to say, the boys and I called those fuck-me heels."

To me, they look like normal oxford heels--except in purple. I guess to other people, it's something else. I will never see what they both saw in those. What did they see that I didn't?

February 14, 2012

Love means never having to say you're sorry

It's Valentine's Day, and I have no lovers--no significant other to share this holiday. But, I do love everyone around me--friends, family, everyone who helped me be who I am. So, happy valentines day, all! I love you guys (even if you don't know me well). Ahh, I feel so weird, writing how much I love you guys, because I'm not exactly fond of Valentine's Day. Red is my least favorite color--but I'm starting to warm up to it--okay, whenever I see that color, I still can't help but turn the other way. As cliche as this sounds, everyday should be Valentine's Day! Dedicating a single day for love seems rather sad. Ohh, I'm not going to dwell and go on a badly written tangent that doesn't make sense.

So, over the weekend, I watched Love Story (1970) starring Ryan O'Neal and Ali MacGraw. I can't even describe it. It's a romantic film--one of the best, maybe (and that's not saying much as I do not watch as much as most people).

There was this one quote that lingered, even after I finished watching. "Love means never having to say you're sorry." Heard of that? I remember hearing this quote much before knowing that it's from this film. I can't help but ponder over this for a long time. Love means that I don't have to admit my wrongs? Is that what s/he was saying? Because, I feel like it's best to apologize even to loved ones when you're wrong. At the same time, if I am wrong, I don't want to apologize--I feel like people already know how sorry (and guilty) I feel from doing something wrong.

I wholeheartedly believed that we didn't have to say sorry after I watched the film. But, now, I disagree. One of the things we should be able to do is sacrifice our pride when with our lovers (whether significant others, family or friends) and admit our wrongs--even if they know we feel terrible. Just saying it makes things better. You know what I mean? Kinda, probably, I'm bad at this writing thing. I can't focus and get to the point.

I can be such a hypocrite--it took me forever to apologize to my sister the other day. I knew she was going to forgive me, but I couldn't apologize at that moment--it would give her the satisfaction. Also, I didn't think she wanted to hear the apology while she was shouting at me. Long story short--she wanted the apology. (I think...I don't really want an apology from my "lovers" because I know they're sorry. But you never know, because if someone did something extreme, like cheated on me, wouldn't I want them to beg for forgiveness. In a sick, twisted way, I want really rude people to apologize to me when they're caught because I know that the humiliation is enough to hurt their pride. That'll give me the satisfaction.)

February 13, 2012

Chinatown

Chinatown in Los Angeles has really changed. I haven't gone to Chinatown frequently since early 2001.

Today, Mum and I went to Chinatown to pay a visit to a shrine and ask for blessings. Afterwards, we went for a walk around the vendors to look for things for my trip to Korea. I wanted to get cheap, crappy quality items because the trip is costing me an arm and a leg. Also, I didn't take Mei's luggage while we were in Davis over break, so had to buy my own. Another thing I wanted to buy was a big purse that would fit my laptop.

The first vendor we went to had decent rolling luggages and purses. The zippers looked good and there wasn't noticeable damage. The saleslady said that the luggage was originally $40, but she was selling it for $35 for us because we were Chinese (hah!). The purse was originally $48, but she was selling it for $40, making the entire purchase $75. Then she said that she would make it $60 for us. Anyway, as you gathered, we didn't get the chance to haggle with her. All that price slashing was done by her. Since my mom was quite familiar with the way things work in Chinatown (because we use to live there), she felt the need to haggle. She was like, "How about $50?" The saleslady goes, "Sorry. No haggling. This is nonnegotiable." We looked at her weirdly (because that's not how things work). Mom persistently goes, "C'mon! $50! $55!" as the saleslady refuses. Then surprisingly, the lady goes, "Sorry, I'm not doing business with you if you want to haggle. Just get out." She said some mean things about how we were taking advantage of her (in Chinese). Pissed off, Mom and I decided to leave because that lady sounds crazy because she doesn't seem to want any business. I guess the saleslady does that a lot and usually the purchaser would just buy it at whatever price she set but we didn't. As we approached the end of the building, she started to shout, "Okay! I'll sell it at that price! Fine! You are the first customer of the day. But, I'll lose business!" and said more rude things in Chinese (that I can't translate literally here), but really pissed mom even more so we continued walking out. Then, she runs after us saying, "You won't buy it at that price? You are (fill in a lot of Chinese curse words)" Basically, she was screaming at us, calling us names, telling everyone that we were horrible (for not buying), and cursing at us. When I said curse, I meant, I hope you have a bad luck for the rest of your life (and I'm not saying what she actually said--it was so fucked up rude kind of cursing). Freaked out, I just wanted to go home, but Mom insisted that I looked at other vendors--"Not everyone is as crazy as her," she said. Boy was she wrong...

The second (and last) vendor we went to sold luggages for $30. He said that he'd sell it for $29 for us. I kept examining the luggage, but not committing because the first vendor still scared me. In the end, I kept trying to leave, but he was like, "Buy it. It's great quality--good brand. I have it too." I kept insisting that I'd come back another day, but he was like, "Buy it now at this price." In the end, I told Mom much louder, "Mom. Let's come back another day--like next week. I still have to look into my friend's luggage. It might work out." Mom said, "My daughter doesn't want to buy it now. Thanks for helping us." Looking at us angrily (like he was going to yell and hit us), the salesman calmly threatened us saying, "Fine. But, if you come back another day, it's going to be more than $30." After his nice little threat, we just walked out.

Oh man, Chinatown. Oh how you've changed! When we use to buy things in Chinatown, they vendors weren't as ruthlessly scary and rude as they use to be when we refused them. Did the economy ultimately made them into the people they are? I know they have to make a living, but still. Also, I know that these crappy quality items aren't worth more than $20. They should stop trying to tell us that faux leather is worth so much-- as well as the counterfeit items. I can't emphasize how the quality of things are so low--I should know, I own quite a few ripped up backpacks. Who did they take us for--tourists? Honestly, quality means a lot to me--which is why I barely own polyester nowadays. FUCK, I'm going back to quality again. I can't deal with this (scariness).

You know, I think this wouldn't happen in the weekends--when the vendors get busy. Maybe we caught them at the wrong time? They needed the money and I don't know. Fuck, why am I trying to justify their actions? I just can't help it. I feel like everyone is a good person and money fucks them up.

Ah crud, I'm just downright scared of going back now. Why was the first vendor so scary? Why did she have to curse and yell at us? I don't believe in this curse stuff, but at that moment, I felt scared for my life. It took me a long time to feel better. I just don't understand...

February 11, 2012

Perception.

Yesterday, we had a study abroad meeting, where our advisor showed showed us photos of Korea, answered our questions, I wonder how the other guys perceive me... because I feel really good about them. They seem like genuine people (that I can't compete with). 

Natural Sleep Schedule

When I was younger, I woke up naturally around 8am. Even in the weekends when I was in high school and forced to wake up daily at 6am for zero period. But, somehow college screwed up my sleep schedule immensely, with the excessive cramming, essays, and going to classes twice a week. More recently, I have been waking up around 7am or 8am. And today, I woke up at 6:30am. I find waking up around 6:30am difficult to achieve, but today, it was so simple. So tired of doing nothing, I just went out for a run. I felt so pathetic running around the neighborhood, because I couldn't even run without feeling out of breath. I guess the only good thing I can say out of this is that I walked about 2.8 miles today! Another thing good about running is that I did not feel the guilt about life, death, and luck that I have been feeling a lot lately.

&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pug2R4iswz0?hl=en"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;img src="http://www.gtaero.net/ytmusic/play.png" alt="Play" style="border:0px;" /&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;
Your Hand in Mine by Explosions in the Sky

February 7, 2012

'Lette Macarons

'lette logo sticker

'lettepistachiomacaron

So, I finally tried 'Lette Macarons, yesterday! Please pat me in the back for finally, finally trying them. Oh, I am so not hilarious. I walked by the storefront while rushing back to my car in Old Pasadena. Deciding to be spontaneous, I walked in. Inside were rows of colorful macarons, which meant too many choices! Asking for a recommendation as I did in Euro Pane, the saleslady suggested salted caramel, caribbean chocolate, and pistachio. Remembering how much I enjoyed pistachio the other day, I ended up getting two pistachio macarons--one for me and one for Elaine. Long story short: they were not the best I ever had. I liked Euro Pane's more. Maybe it was so hyped that I didn't enjoy it as much. Or, I expected it to taste much sweeter...

February 4, 2012

Never Look Back

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One of my unofficial mantras that I always seem to follow is to never look back--whether it's the past or anything else. That's probably why I almost got into a car accident while driving to The Block on Friday! Because I didn't turn around to see if there was a car in the right lane. Seriously, remember, there are blindspots in mirrors!! AHHH!!!

When I went to The Consulate with the other guys (whom are going to Korea with me) on Wednesday, I felt so shameful for quitting so much and never looking back. I use to believe I had the ability to persevere? Ahh, frackkk, I felt so boring, so bland, so inexperienced, so young and naive, compare to them. They made me realize that I don't do anything because I want to keep it safe. My arguments is, is death worth the adventure? Is it better to live a boring, unfulfilled, long life or a short and adventurous, thrill-seeking life? Maybe it is their religious faith that encourage them to continue to believe in living. And my lack of faith is holding me back. I learned in Social Interactions that other religions believe that we (different religious people or Agnostics or Atheists) are not happy-- we are riding a tricycle and they are riding a bicycle. Perhaps that's my biggest problem--I'm not really happy? Getting off this tangent, I never really felt so guilty for giving up on the many things that I thought that were important in my life--musical instruments, photography, video editing, sound, lighting, everything.

Their discussion on photography and video editing made me squirm. When I slowly lost faith in myself, I quit. I stopped trying to improve. It is the constructive criticism. As much as I kind of understood what they were talking about with lenses, etc. I fear for the day when it sounds foreign to me. Frankly, I am already forgetting it all. 50mm 1/8. 35mm 1/4. 24-70mm 2.8. Okay, these are just names of lenses, but will I remember their functions? NO, of course not. Why am I so fickle? Why don't I stick with ONE THING passionately? Is it better to like one thing passionately or be well-rounded? I believed in the latter, but I am beginning to believe in the former. As much I experimented and understood things, I end up forgetting. As human as this is, I hate myself so much for being like this and am drowning in so much self-pity--just because of my inability to commit.

Perhaps the solution to this is to try and relearn everything. But, my fear is the judgments that everyone will have towards me. I can imagine what they think, "I thought she knew. Did she lie to me? What a hypocrite." The more I think about it, I really don't know anything. I thought I knew enough to be an amateur, but I'm just a beginner.

It's just, this is the way I've been brought up. I've always been taught to never look back. I shouldn't have blamed it on my upbringing. It's like the nature vs nurture argument. Maybe, I can't look back in the past to relearn because the past is so mortifying--filled with many embarrassing moments. Despite the past being the past, there are moments that I never want to relive. Sure, I feel nostalgic over many memories, but the embarrassing moments are the ones that I can't rid. They inhibit me from thinking back to what I learned. I can remember all the stupid moments where I tried to sound smart. Instead, I sounded like such a douche.

I always thought that dwelling in the past made it easier to never grow up. But, being a little stubborn and trying to never look back is so much harder. I'm so tired of it all. I give up. I'm going to try again, no matter how hard it is--no matter how much I hate the judgments everyone gives me. No more drowning myself in self-pity. I have to stop giving up, stop settling, stop trying to be perfect and start believing. Start by accepting the fact that I am human. Yes. I feel motivated, but for how long...?

Submarine Symphonika by The Submarines

January 12, 2012

Film photos

stop sign
I fell in love with photography when I developed my first film photo. Sounding rather anti-climatic, it was a photo of a fence. Though, I always loved seeing the intricate pattern being more focused than the background. Sure, I have been taking photos during the past year for yearbook but film photography that made me want my own slr film camera. Film photography forces you to understand how every function in a camera works. You can't rely solely on automatic. You had to remember everything--what type of film you were using and as well as the light. You only get one chance to capture the moment... Now that's magical.
trees parking
Despite all my talk, I have yet to buy a slr film camera. I have been using a point and shoot. I have been eyeing this one Minolta. But, I don't know. it seems like I don't really care as much when it comes down to film cameras as I thought.

These two photos (scanned from my crummy scanner) were part of the same roll of film from hiking. I couldn't wait to process the hiking photos, but I also had 5 photos left to take, so I took photos during my walk to Target from the car. These photos, compare to the hiking photos were much better. Unfortunately, they have less significance to me.

&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WowZLe95WDY?hl=en"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;img src="http://www.gtaero.net/ytmusic/play.png" alt="Play" style="border:0px;" /&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;
Learning to Fly by Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers