December 16, 2011

Done with this semester

I AM DONE with fall semester of 2011! You have no idea how happy I am. I went through a turmoil of emotions (I can blame my time of the month for that) this week. Also, being extremely sleep-deprived did not help. I got at least 3 hours of sleep daily!

I had to proctor the last exam for Communications History on Monday. My first final, Principles of Advertising, was on Tuesday. Thursday, I had three finals: Social Psychology, Computer Programming in Psychology, and Writing in Advertising. My very last final was on Friday--Cognitive Psychology. All my finals were really difficult (in my opinion). Maybe it's because I lacked confidence when taking exams--mostly because I felt like I did not study effectively.

Anyway, on Thursday, I had about 3 hours of sleep because I wanted to finish my Cognitive Psych essay before Friday because I had a final that day too. It was pretty stupid, too because the essay is worth 12% of grade, whereas the exam was worth 20%. So, I shouldn't have tried so hard in the essay. Okay, getting to the point, I had a nervous breakdown that very day. When I arrived at school, I felt really sick. My tummy hurt (thought it was just cramps), my head hurt, and I felt like barfing. Susan (one of my bosses) gave me a can of 7up to sooth myself. It helped, but I think I was actually really stressed, nervous, and freaking out.

When I asked Jay (one of the Veteran tutors) to read my incomplete essay, I almost barfed from nervousness. He tried to help me feel better, telling me to take a deep breath. It was okay for awhile, but going back to his office to retrieve my essay and talking about finals and such, I looked so nervous, that Jay told me made me take a deep breath again. This time, it did not help, and I cried. When I noticed my tears I said (stupid things), "Oh gosh, am I? I think I am breaking down. A nervous breakdown? Oh gosh. This is so embarrassing" To make myself stop crying, I began talking to him and questioning him about his life (how he finished undergrad degree at May 2008) and grad school (started grad school at August 2010), and what he did in Iraq (in between 2008-2010). It took awhile, but I felt better. He was so nice about it all. I bet he was freaking out in the inside.

When I walked in my workplace later that afternoon just as he went out for a break, he asked, "How was your first final?" I replied, "Well, I think it okay." Then he asked (the tearjerker question), "How many more do you have?" I said, "Three, no wait..four. Oh no.." As he sympathized, I almost teared up in front of him (and looked flushed and red and had a runny nose). When he noticed me tearing up when he came back, he was like, "Lily. You really need to own the Rocky soundtrack. You need the motivation and confidence to finish up those finals!" As I cracked a smile at him, I heard "We are the champions" in the background of the office and laughed at him. Before leaving the office for my second final, I thanked him for his attempts to cheer me up a lot and he played "We will rock you" as well as giving me a high-five, wishing me luck. Goodness, Jay is so nice. Too bad he's graduating and we'll never work together again.

All in all, this semester's finals were the worst ones I ever had. Usually, I felt confident and aimed for straight A's. This time around, I am not aiming for that cum laude (that's a perk though), but I hope to pass my classes, especially all my psychology classes. I cannot believe I lack confidence in my own major! I am so scared of failing, but it makes me reconsider my major choice.

I may be running away and taking a huge break next semester studying a major that I barely care for, but I think I need this. Everyone seems to know their calling--know what they want to do. I think I want to be a consumer psychologist. But, I think a lot because I hate doing research. Really, what am I going to do? I cannot stand clinical work--I lack bedside manners. Research sounded interesting, but after all those courses I took, I realized how much I SUCK at everything.

I hope that being in South Korea next semester will give me the confidence and motivation to find out what I truly want to do in life. And, I hope I at least passed all my courses. I cannot believe I am writing this, but the one class I don't believe I passed is cognitive psychology--I'd be lucky if I passed cog psych. HOPE HOPE HOPE. So, yes, there is a lot of hope I'm asking for in life.

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