After our exam on Friday, my professor told us that only 2 of our classmates had an A. He gave them back their papers and told them to leave. As for the rest of the class (30 students), he gave us a lecture. He was so frustrated by the results of our papers. He wanted to allow us to pass, but at the same time, he didn't want it in his conscience that he give us false hope saying that we were okay writers. So, he was torn into pieces.
During his lecture, however, he just sounded angry. He quoted some papers and gave us an evil eye. He said that he could embarrass so many of us but he didn't want to. The worse part was that he quoted a lot of my paper. I am so sure he quoted my paper. There was this one line that I typed up really last minute before printing the paper at work. I thought to myself that it was a stupid line, but I needed an introduction. So, my consequence for being reckless is being embarrassed. There was another part, where I misinterpreted the hypothesis and there was this other part where I used "since" incorrectly in a sentence. All stupid mistakes.
Worst of all, I completely didn't critique the paper correctly. So, I am beginning to think that I am a terrible writer. HORRIBLE ONE, really. Well, I never really edit what I write.
So, my professor offered the rest of the class to rewrite our entire paper and give it back to him the day we come back (11/18). Though, we have to get someone to peer review our paper. I don't know if I will even improve. I feel really depressed. What if I fail all my psych courses because I can't write papers? I plan to work hard (but I still procrastinate) and will attempt to find someone to edit my paper, but I am really scared. I am doubting myself. It's scary. The power of doubt is pretty strong.
Just yesterday, I had to take the english writing proficiency exam. It's kinda like the CAHSEE, but for college. Students have to pass the EWP to graduate college. Oh, I was so terrified for the exam because just on Friday, my psych paper criticized. So, the entire time of the writing test, I kept thinking about how I will get a "fail" in my results. I hope to pass, but I feel like I didn't provide enough evidence. What if they want me to write a lot more evidence? Ohmygosh, I am not even sure if I used 5 sentences in each paragraph...I think I used 4 sentences. fuckfuckfuck. So, I will get the results in 3 weeks, telling me whether I should cry or laugh in relief. Ahhh, I really want some retail therapy or food therapy. I feel like crap right now.
So, life seems pretty tough. I am determined to change things around. I will survive. I'm not too stupid enough to throw my life away when things get tough. I hope some things will change in the end of the semester, but I can't hope too much--I have to do something! I hope you all are doing well! :)