October 7, 2011

There's a line between friendly and overly friendly

So remember my post about being nice and friendly to everyone? Well, scratch that, because I do not think I want to continue being the way I am to people! They get the wrong intentions and create awkward scenarios.

I dropped by work place today after spending over 3 hours at the library working on my scholarship. I felt the effects of sleeping less than enough hours for the past week and wanted to rest, as well as going next door to talk about my study abroad application. Anyway, while there, one of my co-workers acted astoundingly nice to me today. I thought it was weird since he never really talked about anything other than himself and work. Okay, maybe I am exaggerating--I'm just being too harsh. Thinking about this again--I am sure of it. Whenever at the same room with him, I'd ask, out of routine, how he is. He would tells me what's going on, does not ask me about life, and then shuts himself off. The truth is, I'm okay with that because I hate having forced and awkward conversations. Seriously, awkward conversations are not worth it especially when it is one-sided.

To continue, he asked me about me--what's up, what's my last name, what's going on this weekend, anything happening? Honestly, for a second there, I looked around, anticipating a camera because I do not believe that people can change that much.

I assumed he felt comfortable talking to me since I was not working today, so I told him about my day, as well as reciprocating questions. Unfortunately, after awhile, I was irritated with all the questions because I honestly did not like questions and he kept coming out of his room and talking to me and my other co-worker (girl). I don't know... it just felt weird that he was interacting with us.

At 5pm, the girl co-worker and I decided to leave. Anyway, the guy co-worker said if I parked in the furthest parking lot, he would give me a ride because during an earlier conversation that day with him, I told him that I parked in the furthest parking lot the other day and it was dark and creepy. Anyway, I told him that I parked in the parking structure closest to work and he was like, "me too". So, I ended up walking with him to the parking structure, even though I did not want to. Frankly, I was not fond of him and did not want to hang out with him outside of class.

Feeling awkward, I walked fast even though we had a conversation about school (again, I know right?). I told him that I had an essay due for psychology which I did not look forward to doing because I did not enjoy critically analyzing everything. He agreed that it was the same for his major. Let me give dialogue for the rest of the conversation. If there is anything important needed to be read, it is this:

Me: So, how is that girlfriend of yours? (I asked because he told me about his girlfriend and what events they went to together.)
Him: Hah...actually I haven't seen her for the past three months.
Me: Whaaa?
Him: She just started to ignore me about three months ago, so it's over.
Me: Oh wow, that sucks. What a coward. She should've attempted to tie up loose ends.
Him: Actually, I am thinking about asking another person out.
Me: Oh, okay. That's good.
Him: Actually, the person I was thinking about asking out is you.
Me (shocked, by the way. My thoughts running through my head were No, no, no, this is not happening! How do I reject him nicely? Um, maybe I should say yes? No, what do I say? AUSTIN!! Ohmigosh, yes, thank you so much for writing the rejection letter for me in high school!!!!): Oh wow! I'm flattered really. But, you know. I'm pretty busy with life and everything... oh gosh. this is bad. Oh...uh...(people walked in between us)...Oh this is awkward. I have been asked out before and rejected people, but it is still hard. Wow. Like I said, I am completely flattered that you asked me, but I'm sorry I can't. Thank you.
(We both stood there in front of the stairs)
Him: Well, see you Monday.
Me: Yeah. I'll see you Monday. (Then, I hurried up the stairs)

Okay, yes, I am so damn awkward. I can't believe I did that. Is this a dream? It seems like a dream. I don't even remember if I made it clear that I am not interested. Like, I think I said no, but did I really? It was all a blur. Nevertheless, this is the first time that I ever (kinda) reject someone. Remember that guy from Walmart (shown at tumblr here)? Really, that guy was just plain creepy. The best part was that I wasn't going to see him again so handed him a fake number. Remember that guy at the Town Hall Forum? Haha, he didn't ask me out, but I think I made him interested in me when he asked by text, "Cindy said I look ugly like a fob. She said no one would go out with me? Would you?" Me, being super freaken nice, "Maybe?" I was such an idiot in high school. Though, now that I am in college, I should know better. I hate confrontations. I don't do confrontations. I am so awkward. WHY?

I should have just left super early (but he could have asked at a different situation, which may result in a forced yes). I should have seen all the signs. Ahhh, no, it's all hindsight bias, really. Now that it had happened, I can see it happened backward--all the dots are connected!

Did I do something differently to cause him to look at me differently? The only thing different about me was the lack of sleep. I have been so tired all week that I wanted to pass out today. It took a lot of mints in my mouth to make me feel awake. :/ How can anyone like me? I'm pretty emotionally unavailable--the way I act. Also, I'm not extremely pretty compare to other people--just average. The average Jane! haha.

You can't just all of a sudden look at someone differently and act so nice. Really. I don't believe in that. I do not believe anyone can change their perception of other people so fast. We worked for a year. Then, all of a sudden, kinda interest? I didn't act any differently, really--I try to coexist with everyone that I hate and love. I'm friendly with everyone else the same way, right? Argh, I'm going to ask for second opinion one of these days. I'm second guessing myself. Did I unintentionally gave a hint about displaying interest in him? DO I?!

Anyway, I think most of the office was aware of his intentions, because they were all in whispers with girl co-worker. I thought they found some criminal activity that occurred in the office, but thinking about it, it's not likely. Also, my male supervisor asked me Monday (5 days ago) whether that guy told me anything. I was confused and said he did not tell me anything of importance. With this proof in mind, I am going to assume that all my supervisors knew of his intentions and were probably rooting for him to succeed (and me saying yes). They're going to be so bummed when they hear the answer.

Frankly, I am dreading Monday now. I feel like ditching work to catch up on sleep and because of that stupid situation. I am such a coward, really. Okay, I should definitely stop rambling and complaining. He was just asking for a date--not a girlfriend.


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