September 28, 2011

We Are Perfect Being Imperfect


One of my favorite lines from a book I read was "We are perfect at being imperfect". I thought I could actually accept and live those those words, but I was being really naive.

I may believe that I have come to terms for failing so many times in the beginning of my life, but that's just the beginning. We just slowly forget about our failures. I am forgetting all the failed exams I had when I was younger. Failing precalculus once is a thing of the past. Being rejected to almost all the colleges was so long ago. With all this in mind, I believe I am content.

Things have been hectic for me for the past couple of weeks. Though, I didn't let them get to me. I just kept pushing them away because dealing with things head-on isn't what I'm familiar with. I let myself get the C's I deserved for not studying. I let myself slowly break apart. I've forgotten how to be the person I am trying to be. In the beginning, I wanted cum laude. I wanted to look good. I want to prove that despite not getting everything I wanted, I was able to succeed. But, I'm not so sure now. It kind of feels like I have senioritis. But, I'm not even a 4th year yet. I'm still in the beginning of my 3rd year. And, I still don't know what I want to do. It is so hard to figure what you want to do for the rest of your life. And, I expect things to come easy for me. Despite the knowledge that things will be hard, I continue to believe that I can be the exception. Don't worry, I'm beginning to change.

But, despite the imperfections that are presented upon me, despite all the failures I had in life, I do not want people to know that I'm human--I'm flawed--I make mistakes.

Recently:
  • I had to do a simple job of inputting grades into the grading system online and I screwed up. I forgotten to curve all the grades up by 1 point.
  • I made a mistake on my psychology questionnaire which can create a huge error.
  • I overlooked my work duties.
  • I overestimated my answers and failed.
  • I didn't study.
I hate these flaws, these errors, these mistakes, these things that I notice myself doing more and more recently. I have always made mistakes. The mistakes are a part of me and I can't seem to accept them. What's wrong with me? Why do I care so much right now?

Doorways by Radical Face
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