December 30, 2011

365 Project for 2010

Santa Monica Pier in April 2010.

So, in 2010, I decided to take on the challenge to do the 365 Project which involved taking a photo a day for the entire year. (Shocking, right? I can't commit to anything, yet I was willing to do this? Wahhh?!) Most of the time (as I knew it would happen), the project was a failure... I kept forgetting to taking photos until the night. Also, I cheated a bit, taking two photos a day. Lastly, the photos were not posted in a timely manner.

With this in mind, I will try (really hard) to do the 365 Project again for 2012 (to make me feel comfortable taking photos out of the whim, especially for Korea because I know that I will feel iffy about looking touristy).

Ayeee...I really have to stop buying cameras and start buying clothes because it'll be "Siberian" cold when I get to Korea.

Hope you all enjoyed 2011. I'm anticipating a fantastic 2012. :)

December 29, 2011

Went to Savers today to do some thrifting with the little one. It was quite a challenge because there were a lot of people today. I guess during break, more people come out and shop. The ride there was pretty horrible, too. I complained a lot because of the traffic--guess I don't trust myself or anyone else when there's heavy traffic. Back to thrifting, well, I did not find much, but it was still fun bonding with my little sister. :)

Image Source: Here.

December 24, 2011

Happy Holidays

It is Christmas Eve and I am watching Love Actually again. If you haven't watch it, please do. Most romantic comedies are lame, but this one is different (in my opinion). Oh goodness, it is so sweet! This is one of my favorite romantic comedies. It is still quirky, hilarious, and romantic. Anyway, Happy Holidays, everyone. Hope you all have a fantastic holiday. :)

Image source: here

December 16, 2011

Done with this semester

I AM DONE with fall semester of 2011! You have no idea how happy I am. I went through a turmoil of emotions (I can blame my time of the month for that) this week. Also, being extremely sleep-deprived did not help. I got at least 3 hours of sleep daily!

I had to proctor the last exam for Communications History on Monday. My first final, Principles of Advertising, was on Tuesday. Thursday, I had three finals: Social Psychology, Computer Programming in Psychology, and Writing in Advertising. My very last final was on Friday--Cognitive Psychology. All my finals were really difficult (in my opinion). Maybe it's because I lacked confidence when taking exams--mostly because I felt like I did not study effectively.

Anyway, on Thursday, I had about 3 hours of sleep because I wanted to finish my Cognitive Psych essay before Friday because I had a final that day too. It was pretty stupid, too because the essay is worth 12% of grade, whereas the exam was worth 20%. So, I shouldn't have tried so hard in the essay. Okay, getting to the point, I had a nervous breakdown that very day. When I arrived at school, I felt really sick. My tummy hurt (thought it was just cramps), my head hurt, and I felt like barfing. Susan (one of my bosses) gave me a can of 7up to sooth myself. It helped, but I think I was actually really stressed, nervous, and freaking out.

When I asked Jay (one of the Veteran tutors) to read my incomplete essay, I almost barfed from nervousness. He tried to help me feel better, telling me to take a deep breath. It was okay for awhile, but going back to his office to retrieve my essay and talking about finals and such, I looked so nervous, that Jay told me made me take a deep breath again. This time, it did not help, and I cried. When I noticed my tears I said (stupid things), "Oh gosh, am I? I think I am breaking down. A nervous breakdown? Oh gosh. This is so embarrassing" To make myself stop crying, I began talking to him and questioning him about his life (how he finished undergrad degree at May 2008) and grad school (started grad school at August 2010), and what he did in Iraq (in between 2008-2010). It took awhile, but I felt better. He was so nice about it all. I bet he was freaking out in the inside.

When I walked in my workplace later that afternoon just as he went out for a break, he asked, "How was your first final?" I replied, "Well, I think it okay." Then he asked (the tearjerker question), "How many more do you have?" I said, "Three, no wait..four. Oh no.." As he sympathized, I almost teared up in front of him (and looked flushed and red and had a runny nose). When he noticed me tearing up when he came back, he was like, "Lily. You really need to own the Rocky soundtrack. You need the motivation and confidence to finish up those finals!" As I cracked a smile at him, I heard "We are the champions" in the background of the office and laughed at him. Before leaving the office for my second final, I thanked him for his attempts to cheer me up a lot and he played "We will rock you" as well as giving me a high-five, wishing me luck. Goodness, Jay is so nice. Too bad he's graduating and we'll never work together again.

All in all, this semester's finals were the worst ones I ever had. Usually, I felt confident and aimed for straight A's. This time around, I am not aiming for that cum laude (that's a perk though), but I hope to pass my classes, especially all my psychology classes. I cannot believe I lack confidence in my own major! I am so scared of failing, but it makes me reconsider my major choice.

I may be running away and taking a huge break next semester studying a major that I barely care for, but I think I need this. Everyone seems to know their calling--know what they want to do. I think I want to be a consumer psychologist. But, I think a lot because I hate doing research. Really, what am I going to do? I cannot stand clinical work--I lack bedside manners. Research sounded interesting, but after all those courses I took, I realized how much I SUCK at everything.

I hope that being in South Korea next semester will give me the confidence and motivation to find out what I truly want to do in life. And, I hope I at least passed all my courses. I cannot believe I am writing this, but the one class I don't believe I passed is cognitive psychology--I'd be lucky if I passed cog psych. HOPE HOPE HOPE. So, yes, there is a lot of hope I'm asking for in life.

December 8, 2011

Day of Birth

To many people, today is a memorable day--70 years ago, USA declared war against Japan. To other people, there was another Virginia Tech shooting today. To me, it is my birthday. In another 53 minutes, I will be "normal". Actually, today was the first time that it felt "normal" on my birthday. Usually, I feel a butterflies in my stomach all day, being nervous about the entire day that I want to barf. It's like, people can see right through me. I don't know why, but I always assume that people can tell that it is my birthday. I mean, when I was younger, this date felt so significant to me, but I am beginning to come into terms that people really don't know (and don't care, but that's another story). So, I felt relieved all day--no one came up to say "Happy Birthday!!!" At the same time, I felt kind of sad because I am so unwilling to allow any one of my friends say those words to me (by not telling anyone) or even celebrate something that everyone finds so significant--the big 21! It makes me think...will I even care about any other year?

Part of the reason why I never really want to acknowledge this special day is because I have been busy for the past two years trying to finish presentations or essays. This year is no different. I was up till 3am this morning. :( It was pretty bad. Maybe, the truth is, I feel ashamed of myself...I'm not worthy of a celebration even though I need it.

Despite how sad this post sounds, I did celebrate this eventful day with my family!! I came home around 8:45pm, after my 7:40pm class ended at 8:00pm and having to go through heavy traffic (which is abnormal at night). We had a nice birthday dinner with delicious cake. Typically, the texture of the cake we get is a little too sweet and heavy, but today's cake was light and moist and yeah, I can't describe it. It was the best cake that I can ever recall.

I just wanted to write a bit about my thoughts on this birthday in particular--how I made such a significant day so insignificant. Maybe I'll change things around next year (because I like the number 2 and it'll be a double dosage of my favorite number next year). Maybe I'll allow people to go crazy and celebrate it. But by then, I believe, it'll be too late because everyone already knows me as the girl who hates birthday!

Source: one, two, three

December 7, 2011

Magic wand

Kid photos are so cute. I wish I was a cuter kid--I'd post some of mine.
I have been missing in action for awhile. Sorry. Final projects are coming along. Finals are next week. Everything is coming to an end this semester. I don't have time to feel sad and nostalgic.
On another note, I basically got into the Korea uni that I wanted to get into! Finally received an email from my advisor and the college on Monday, asking me for last minute paperwork and they'll send me a lovely ACCEPTANCE LETTER! So, I'm happy--I'm outta here! Haha. I'm glad that I get the chance to start anew. This is the best birthday present EVER! <3
I feel... euphoric. The chance of getting accepted seems so intangible. It's like magic--like, some force is helping me. On a serious note, my study abroad adviser said that everyone gets accepted to this program because we have a school agreement with them. But, I couldn't help but feel scared because they didn't send our school any information for two months. Just as I was about to give up, I received an email. Just like that child, I found this as a jaw-dropping moment and full of smiles. I'm glad I got the chance to give good news here.

Buy this wand from etsy or make a magic wand for moi? :) I don't know what I will ever do with a felt wand, but it is so darn cute. I can be such a hoarder. You will not believe the mess in my desk right now.

Will update soon (or after finals). Good luck, all! <3

November 24, 2011


It's Thanksgiving! I never really say, "Hey, it's Thanksgiving, and I want to tell you how thankful I am for having you in my life" because it's cheesy, and I don't do cheesy. On the other hand, I just pretend it's just another day, because it is another day. We don't have to dedicate a day telling all our loved ones that we are thankful of them. Though, I think I do need THIS day. I don't express my feelings often so this kind of gives me the push to say, "Hey. I love you. Thanks for being part of my life." Though, the longer I think about this, it sounds so insincere...telling people that I'm thankful of them on Thanksgiving. They're probably thinking, You couldn't think of any other day to say it except on Thanksgiving? What's wrong with you?!

So, thank you (you know who you guys are) all for being part of my lives. This year, I thought it would be easier on everyone if I stopped relying on your support. Though, I feel like it's much tougher than I thought. I started to doubt my friendship with everyone--whether they'd last. Was it worth the effort if it would fall apart? I got scared. More recently, I got reassured that things are okay, no matter what. I am scared, but I have to stop letting fear dominate. So, it's okay. It's okay that our friendships may fall apart (becoming strangers and all), I still want to be part of your lives.

Anyway, I want to thank all the family, friends, and everyone else who have supported me. I have my ups and downs (mostly downs, more recently), but I'm grateful. Happy Thanksgiving! 感恩節快樂!

November 10, 2011

Asking for help

It's hard to ask for help because I have a lot of pride. At the same time, I am use to being asked to help rather than the other way around. So, I tend to choke up when asking for anything because I think people see me as a self-reliant person and do not want to change their perception of me (oh, I'm such a people-pleaser).

So, I asked my communications writing professor (who is also a psychology student working on her PhD) for some advice about writing a psychology analysis and I choked when I asked her! Side note: I think it's an authority problem, too. I feel weird asking professors and other authority figures for help. However, after some thought, I guess I have trouble asking for help in general because I fear rejection. On to the story, my professor was extremely understanding (probably because I had a runny nose and looked like I was crying). She actually gave me 3 of her psychology papers as an example for me to use when writing my paper. After that, she told me to send a copy of my psychology paper. Lastly, she said that she would go over the paper and give me a call on Sunday so that we can go over the paper! That is so sweet, right?

I hate how difficult this is. But, I know, if things in life were this easy, everyone would be able to get their college degrees. So, I guess half the battle of getting a degree are the struggles. No matter how much I want to give up, I want to prove that I CAN get that double major!

Anyway, I think things are turning around. I should stop procrastinating and work on that rewrite if I want a better grade.

November 8, 2011

Red Riding Hood Inspiration

I don't like the colour red, but I think it will be fantastic to be little red riding hood for Halloween next year. Why? Well, it sounds so easy. All I'd need to do is wear a red cape/jacket/hood with a black, white, any-colour dress and viola, I'm her! Hahaha. Anyway, this is a small compilation of cute red riding hood!

November 6, 2011

Can you believe it?

South Korea is only months away! Oh goodness. I remember during Freshman year of high school, I made a replica poster of a South Korea flag. I didn't think that I'd actually go there. It is awesome, but I always thought I'd go to Australia (like what my grade school journals said). But, I don't know...there's always grad school. Anyway, despite my fears and thoughts about this (which I have yet to tell you guys), I am actually excited for this. :)

Crampy problems

I can be such a coward. Today is the first day of my lady times of the month (I know, congratulations, right?)! Typically, my cramps come the next day. In this case, it will come tomorrow. Knowing this, I feel hesitant going to work tomorrow. What if things get as bad as the last one? Cramps, headaches, vision problems, numbness, vomit, dysentery? (OH my, that's was too much information!) Do I really want that to happen? Though, in my prior experience, I do not have consistent horrible effects each month. Typically, it's once every couple months. On the other hand, I do not want to risk going to work, only to feel this agony of dying. So, what should I do? What have I decided? I'm not going to think about it until tomorrow morning. I am quite the role model, right? I should stop putting way too personal information in this blog. :/

psych lit review

I got an F on my cog psych lit review. It pains me to write about this because I'm still in shock and at the same time depressed about this.

After our exam on Friday, my professor told us that only 2 of our classmates had an A. He gave them back their papers and told them to leave. As for the rest of the class (30 students), he gave us a lecture. He was so frustrated by the results of our papers. He wanted to allow us to pass, but at the same time, he didn't want it in his conscience that he give us false hope saying that we were okay writers. So, he was torn into pieces.

During his lecture, however, he just sounded angry. He quoted some papers and gave us an evil eye. He said that he could embarrass so many of us but he didn't want to. The worse part was that he quoted a lot of my paper. I am so sure he quoted my paper. There was this one line that I typed up really last minute before printing the paper at work. I thought to myself that it was a stupid line, but I needed an introduction. So, my consequence for being reckless is being embarrassed. There was another part, where I misinterpreted the hypothesis and there was this other part where I used "since" incorrectly in a sentence. All stupid mistakes.

Worst of all, I completely didn't critique the paper correctly. So, I am beginning to think that I am a terrible writer. HORRIBLE ONE, really. Well, I never really edit what I write.

So, my professor offered the rest of the class to rewrite our entire paper and give it back to him the day we come back (11/18). Though, we have to get someone to peer review our paper. I don't know if I will even improve. I feel really depressed. What if I fail all my psych courses because I can't write papers? I plan to work hard (but I still procrastinate) and will attempt to find someone to edit my paper, but I am really scared. I am doubting myself. It's scary. The power of doubt is pretty strong.

Just yesterday, I had to take the english writing proficiency exam. It's kinda like the CAHSEE, but for college. Students have to pass the EWP to graduate college. Oh, I was so terrified for the exam because just on Friday, my psych paper criticized. So, the entire time of the writing test, I kept thinking about how I will get a "fail" in my results. I hope to pass, but I feel like I didn't provide enough evidence. What if they want me to write a lot more evidence? Ohmygosh, I am not even sure if I used 5 sentences in each paragraph...I think I used 4 sentences. fuckfuckfuck. So, I will get the results in 3 weeks, telling me whether I should cry or laugh in relief. Ahhh, I really want some retail therapy or food therapy. I feel like crap right now.

So, life seems pretty tough. I am determined to change things around. I will survive. I'm not too stupid enough to throw my life away when things get tough. I hope some things will change in the end of the semester, but I can't hope too much--I have to do something! I hope you all are doing well! :)

November 1, 2011

The Road is (still) Filled with (undecided) Possibilities

Source: Pinterest

Choosing a path for the future is very scary. During Principles of Advertising, our guest speaker and our professor both gave us a lecture on our futures. They suggest that we should decide on our paths NOW. It scared me. I like both creative and management areas of advertising. However, I am not strong in creative, so it looks like management is the way to go. Though, I can wait until end of March/early April 2012 to finally decide on courses for the next year.

Another thing I had to focus on is psychology? Do I really want to do this?

I found out that my internship in South Korea doesn't count for my communications internship since I didn't finish the prerequisites--so it counts for a general internship, like a upper division GE course. :/ So, when I get back, I have to find 2 internships--one for comm and one for psych. Also, I am applying to do research (for psych) with some professors. So, it's a lot. It's going to be tough to cram all this into two semesters. It is doable, but so stressful sounding.

With all this in mind, I am pretty sure that I have to finish my undergraduate courses in 5 years. Think that'll be okay? Will you judge me? Remember my hopes and dreams to finish all this in 4 years? It was possible, until I double majored. :/ I'm just hoping that this is all worth it. Probably not worth it all, because I still want to go to grad school. I'm just lagging it by taking adding another undergraduate year.

Everything seems to intangible...

October 31, 2011

RIP Lily and James Potter

I know that they're all fictional characters, but I have to write a post on it. It does not seem to look right over today as another childish holiday.

Just imagine...thirty years ago today (October 31st, 1981), Lily and James Potter sacrificed their lives so that their son (as we all know and love), Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived), could live. Thirty years ago, Severus Snape and Sirius Black both lost people they loved, binding them both together, giving their lives a purpose. Thirty years ago, Lily and James Potter's death gave the magical world hope. Thirty years ago... (Source: MSNBC)

October 29, 2011

Movie Adaptations

I always get excited when a book that I have personally read eventually becomes a movie. It is nice to know that a movie is based on a book, but it is not as exciting as finding out that a book is becoming a movie! (You know what I mean? hahaha, I am so confusing.) For instance, it is nice to know that Chronicles of Narnia or Peter Pan were books prior to becoming fantastic movies. But, finding books to read on my own and then finding out years from now that they were to become a movie is so much better.

Like, Twilight! When I first found out that Twilight was to become a movie, I was like, "Oh my! I read that book in the 8th grade because I saw it at the local Target and decided to borrow it from the local library!" On a side note--when I finally finished up the Twilight series during my senior year of high school, I couldn't help but scoff at the cheesiness (that I once liked in 8th grade). Moreover, I kept focusing on how 10 year old children enjoyed it so much which made me so freaked out when it described an abusive relationship at the last book. So, to clarify everything. I just like knowing that I read the book regardless of enjoying the book or not. Like The Golden Compass, I did not even remember much of the book because I read it so long ago, but I liked how I knew of the book prior to it becoming a movie. Ahh, I sound like such a douche bag--just liking the fact that I knew of it. How can you guys deal with me?

Here are some of the books/movies that I can remember right now (that I was excited for):

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone--I was in 5th grade! Who wouldn't be excited for that movie? I just finished the first book earlier that year (I know, I was a late bloomer!)
Percy Jackson: The Lightning Thief--What is there to hate about Percy? I do not think if I have ever told anyone this, but I love Greek Mythology since the 4th grade. My teacher always read the stories during class. Side note--I love reading faerie tales, too! I am really excited for the upcoming television series on faerie tale retellings. I also love the fact that there are faerie tale retellings in movies. I read bad reviews for most of them, but I am glad to see a bunch of my favorite stuff all over the media. Haha, just wait for a couple months--I will so annoyed of seeing all this!
Perks of Being a Wallflower--I was fond of this book in the 8th grade but when a lot of people read the book, I started to question myself. Did I really like this book?
It's Kind of a Funny Story--I love love love love love this book! Still do. When I heard about a movie coming out, I was super freaken absolutely excited to hear about it. The movie was phenomenal. I was somewhat disappointed with some of the the movie scenes, but I kind of understand why they wouldn't put some of the scenes.
Something Borrowed--I wanted to read good chick-lit stuff. However, most adult fiction books are just plain boring. But, when I read this book, I actually liked it a lot. I was rooting for her all the way even though I should not have. When I found out about the movie, I was like, "oooohmygosh!" Still haven't watched it yet.
Never Let Me Go--I read the book earlier this year. Oh goodness, I have nothing to say about it? I did a whole post of this! Okay, during the middle of reading the novel, I looked it up on the internet and found out about the movie. So, I was pretty happy to find out that it was a movie that I did not hear about (especially at a time like this, with technology and pop culture everywhere).
The Great Gatsby--Okay, there is an older movie version out, but I felt delighted when I heard that another version was coming out starring Leonardo DiCaprio (who I do not like so much) and Carey Mulligan (I really like her a lot right now. She is the (next) big thing!).
Sloppy Firsts--I read this book in January 1st, 2005 and it changed my life. The next four books are just as phenomenal and I love them all. Honestly, I did not think it would become a movie, just because of my own personal reasonings. However, when I found out this morning that it looks like it might become a movie, I was like, "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" So, yes, I am super excited to watch a movie adaption of this book series. I hope it does well, but it will never ever replace my love for the books! <3

So, here it is--my small list of movie adaptations that I was excited for and still am excited for. I hope you enjoy reading my short and badly written post. What movie adaptations are/were you excited for?

October 21, 2011

Second Exam Study Sessions

I went to Bev's study sessions in the morning and late afternoons to help her out. We agreed to try and facilitate sessions together so that she could help me out. The first session (which had 20+ people) was pretty disorganized, but it looked like everyone was content, even though we didn't go through all the chapters. The second study session had 3 people. It was a pretty good session. Small, just the way I liked it. So, I talked a bit more during the session, telling the 3 students what they needed to know, and asking them what they knew about everything.

At the end of the second session, Bev applauded me for my confidence. She told me that she wanted me to finish the session because I talked a lot more. So, study sessions with a few people are better. It is still the public speaking skills that I lack.

Anyway, I will not be facilitating sessions by myself for this exam since I was traumatized by my last session by myself. I did offer "office hours" for the next three days. I do not know if students will take advantage of it, but it's out there. The bad part about everything is that I have to stay on campus longer than I like. :/

All in all, things are okay! :)

October 20, 2011

I feel old

One of my coworkers wants to become a lawyer. He is currently applying for law school. I was surprised of his decision because he was a history major during undergrad and now he is a history major at a graduate student. I told him how I envied his confidence about his future. He took LSAT prep classes that cost $1500 and was currently doing his personal statements. I thought he sound so worldly. Laughing, he said, "I'm only 26."

I was about to leave the room, but I had to ask him how he felt about his age. "Elaborating," I said, "I feel so old since it feels like I am not accomplishing anything. Just getting an education, and even then, I'm not sure if I will figure myself out. I knew someone who got married at 18!" Laughing at me, he said, "Oh, you do not get to say this! You know you are really old when you know someone who is getting a divorce! When I heard that one of my friends was getting a divorced, I was like, 'oh I'm getting old.'"

It is so weird how many lives differ from ours. Do they feel their lives are complete when they start a family? So many of us today strive to get an education and be a professional in our field of study. But, as we get older, we feel this evolutionary need to pass down our genes. So, are we content?

I do not know what I want to do in my future. I think I want to get into the advertising field, but I feel I will not accomplishing anything good. Just a boost in my ego, seeing that I helped worked in some campaign. Also, does my "help" really help make a campaign successful? I'm just questioning everything I thought I was interested in.

Can you truly know what you want? My coworker says believes that we can know what he wants. He found out that he wanted to be a lawyer while working on his Master's in History. Now, he's working as hard as he can do accomplish his goal. His advice for me is, "If you find out what you want to do, and you will, go find someone in that field and try to see what credentials they have so that you can do it, too." So, not exactly the most inspiring advice, but good advice nonetheless. I can recall so long ago while working that someone told me to get a Ph.d in whatever field I decide to get in because money does make you feel satisfied. That's realistic advice, but do I really want to keep going on with my education? I feel so tired now and doing so poorly in everything. Will Korea change it all? Will I become more motivated?

Image source: XKCD

October 9, 2011

Breaking the Norm

For my social psych class, I was told to do a "Break the Norm" paper. Basically, I would have to create an awkward scenario and see how people react to it.

There are a lot of ways to create awkward scenarios, but many people do weird stuff at the elevator that deals getting into other people's personal space or just staring at another person for the longest time.

Discussing my difficulty to create an awkward scenario, I asked people around the office what I should do. Anna didn't say anything, because she's cool like that. Daniel, the intern, a sociology major, felt the same as I did because he had to do that in one of his sociology courses. We were talking about elevator situations, because as psych and sociology majors, we knew how overplayed it was. So, he told me all the weird stuff that he heard people did during class. For instance, this Asian girl in his class sat next to people in the library and invaded their personal space. She kept sitting closer and some people did not really care which is weird, right? Apparently, they all thought she was an international student and did not know her "boundaries" because of cultural differences!

Daniel said that if he was the one invading other people's personal space, the other people would have probably packed up as fast as they can and ran away. It's funny because, Daniel is this big tall guy with a beard. Though, like everyone else, if you get to know him, he's a good person, not that I really know him.

Jay, one of the tutors, overheard our conversation and came out to join us. I told him that I did not want to create us a weird scenario like singing in the middle of Target or singing out my orders but I also did not want to overuse the elevators. I don't know how he does it, but he thought of a good one, standing behind someone, and basically looking over someone's shoulders. He demonstrated the scenario with me and asked, "How was that?" Laughing over the awkwardness, I said, "Definitely awkward. You nailed it."

For the next couple minutes, we thought of the awkward scenarios we could do, like haggling at a supermarket, haggling in an home improvement store, invading other people's personal space in the bus, invading personal space in the elevator, or standing backwards in line. Stupid, awkward stuff like that.

Lastly, Daniel told us that in his social psych course, he didn't do a "Break the Norm" paper, but he did have to manipulate situations. For instance, he and his friends tried to advocate more healthy eating so they posted photos of fruits and veggies around campus as well as near vending machines. Based on their data before and after, they noticed that a significant amount of people actually bought healthier foods! Later, they tried to advocate eating junk food, so posted photos of pizza around campus. They inferred that people would buy more unhealthy snacks. However, it didn't happen--less people bought things in the vending machines! Being subtle, he ans his group members asked people why they were hesitating around the vending machines. Apparently since seeing all the photos of pizza nearby, they thought that there was going to be a pizza party!

Anyway, I am pretty lame--writing in my blog about last Thursday. I'm just procrastinating--huge psych paper due this Friday and I don't know what to write about.

Oh, getting off this tangent, I remember why I wanted to post this again! I thought of what I wanted to do for my "Break the Norm" paper.

I wanted to go around campus and telling males around campus that I have seen them around campus, I find them attractive, would they go to bed with me tonight? Yeah, I was willing to go out of my comfort zone to for this experiment to be different. There was this experiment created 20-30 years ago, where students went around campus asking the opposite sex whether they be interested in having sex with them that night. Basically, trying to make this long story short, none of the girls wanted to have sex with a stranger on campus. However, for men, about 3 out 4 said yes. So, about 75% of men were willing to have sex with a stranger. This sounds so disgusting, but the experiment has been done numerous times. So, yeah, I learned this in my anthro class last semester as well as my psych class this semester, so I wanted to try it out, even though I know what the results would likely be. Maybe underneath this curious mind of mine, I want to know if people find me attractive? I mean, I don't know why I really think it's interesting. But then, it's stupid, because when given an offer like this, it's just sex that they're thinking about, not if I look pretty. Haha. So, I'm not going to do that experiment anymore. Though another reason why I don't want to do this anymore is because of him. After rejecting him, I realize how cruel the experiment can be... offering myself and then saying no. Basically, being a tease.

So, I think I may be invading other people's personal space for my paper. It should be interesting because I'm going way off my comfort zone. Typically, I leave a lot of space away from people. (Though, it's different with Christine, I would hold her hands! haha) When I did a class experiment with personal space, I was more than 20 cm away from the other person! Also, one of the reasons why I don't prefer elevators is because of personal space issue.

Breaking the norm sounds so difficult. We all hate creating awkward scenarios. It should be interesting to do something out of social norms. :)

October 7, 2011

There's a line between friendly and overly friendly

So remember my post about being nice and friendly to everyone? Well, scratch that, because I do not think I want to continue being the way I am to people! They get the wrong intentions and create awkward scenarios.

I dropped by work place today after spending over 3 hours at the library working on my scholarship. I felt the effects of sleeping less than enough hours for the past week and wanted to rest, as well as going next door to talk about my study abroad application. Anyway, while there, one of my co-workers acted astoundingly nice to me today. I thought it was weird since he never really talked about anything other than himself and work. Okay, maybe I am exaggerating--I'm just being too harsh. Thinking about this again--I am sure of it. Whenever at the same room with him, I'd ask, out of routine, how he is. He would tells me what's going on, does not ask me about life, and then shuts himself off. The truth is, I'm okay with that because I hate having forced and awkward conversations. Seriously, awkward conversations are not worth it especially when it is one-sided.

To continue, he asked me about me--what's up, what's my last name, what's going on this weekend, anything happening? Honestly, for a second there, I looked around, anticipating a camera because I do not believe that people can change that much.

I assumed he felt comfortable talking to me since I was not working today, so I told him about my day, as well as reciprocating questions. Unfortunately, after awhile, I was irritated with all the questions because I honestly did not like questions and he kept coming out of his room and talking to me and my other co-worker (girl). I don't know... it just felt weird that he was interacting with us.

At 5pm, the girl co-worker and I decided to leave. Anyway, the guy co-worker said if I parked in the furthest parking lot, he would give me a ride because during an earlier conversation that day with him, I told him that I parked in the furthest parking lot the other day and it was dark and creepy. Anyway, I told him that I parked in the parking structure closest to work and he was like, "me too". So, I ended up walking with him to the parking structure, even though I did not want to. Frankly, I was not fond of him and did not want to hang out with him outside of class.

Feeling awkward, I walked fast even though we had a conversation about school (again, I know right?). I told him that I had an essay due for psychology which I did not look forward to doing because I did not enjoy critically analyzing everything. He agreed that it was the same for his major. Let me give dialogue for the rest of the conversation. If there is anything important needed to be read, it is this:

Me: So, how is that girlfriend of yours? (I asked because he told me about his girlfriend and what events they went to together.)
Him: Hah...actually I haven't seen her for the past three months.
Me: Whaaa?
Him: She just started to ignore me about three months ago, so it's over.
Me: Oh wow, that sucks. What a coward. She should've attempted to tie up loose ends.
Him: Actually, I am thinking about asking another person out.
Me: Oh, okay. That's good.
Him: Actually, the person I was thinking about asking out is you.
Me (shocked, by the way. My thoughts running through my head were No, no, no, this is not happening! How do I reject him nicely? Um, maybe I should say yes? No, what do I say? AUSTIN!! Ohmigosh, yes, thank you so much for writing the rejection letter for me in high school!!!!): Oh wow! I'm flattered really. But, you know. I'm pretty busy with life and everything... oh gosh. this is bad. Oh...uh...(people walked in between us)...Oh this is awkward. I have been asked out before and rejected people, but it is still hard. Wow. Like I said, I am completely flattered that you asked me, but I'm sorry I can't. Thank you.
(We both stood there in front of the stairs)
Him: Well, see you Monday.
Me: Yeah. I'll see you Monday. (Then, I hurried up the stairs)

Okay, yes, I am so damn awkward. I can't believe I did that. Is this a dream? It seems like a dream. I don't even remember if I made it clear that I am not interested. Like, I think I said no, but did I really? It was all a blur. Nevertheless, this is the first time that I ever (kinda) reject someone. Remember that guy from Walmart (shown at tumblr here)? Really, that guy was just plain creepy. The best part was that I wasn't going to see him again so handed him a fake number. Remember that guy at the Town Hall Forum? Haha, he didn't ask me out, but I think I made him interested in me when he asked by text, "Cindy said I look ugly like a fob. She said no one would go out with me? Would you?" Me, being super freaken nice, "Maybe?" I was such an idiot in high school. Though, now that I am in college, I should know better. I hate confrontations. I don't do confrontations. I am so awkward. WHY?

I should have just left super early (but he could have asked at a different situation, which may result in a forced yes). I should have seen all the signs. Ahhh, no, it's all hindsight bias, really. Now that it had happened, I can see it happened backward--all the dots are connected!

Did I do something differently to cause him to look at me differently? The only thing different about me was the lack of sleep. I have been so tired all week that I wanted to pass out today. It took a lot of mints in my mouth to make me feel awake. :/ How can anyone like me? I'm pretty emotionally unavailable--the way I act. Also, I'm not extremely pretty compare to other people--just average. The average Jane! haha.

You can't just all of a sudden look at someone differently and act so nice. Really. I don't believe in that. I do not believe anyone can change their perception of other people so fast. We worked for a year. Then, all of a sudden, kinda interest? I didn't act any differently, really--I try to coexist with everyone that I hate and love. I'm friendly with everyone else the same way, right? Argh, I'm going to ask for second opinion one of these days. I'm second guessing myself. Did I unintentionally gave a hint about displaying interest in him? DO I?!

Anyway, I think most of the office was aware of his intentions, because they were all in whispers with girl co-worker. I thought they found some criminal activity that occurred in the office, but thinking about it, it's not likely. Also, my male supervisor asked me Monday (5 days ago) whether that guy told me anything. I was confused and said he did not tell me anything of importance. With this proof in mind, I am going to assume that all my supervisors knew of his intentions and were probably rooting for him to succeed (and me saying yes). They're going to be so bummed when they hear the answer.

Frankly, I am dreading Monday now. I feel like ditching work to catch up on sleep and because of that stupid situation. I am such a coward, really. Okay, I should definitely stop rambling and complaining. He was just asking for a date--not a girlfriend.

October 4, 2011

I'm such a Klutz

I need to sleep more. I'm sick of feeling faint and anemic for the past couple days. How can you all sleep so little and work all day? I slept about 4 hours each night for the past 5 days (weekends, too). My body has been crashing a couple times today. I felt tired and I don't know... it just scared me. I kept thinking that I was getting sick, until I realized that I haven't been sleeping much. Anyway, no more complaining--it's immature. :)

Getting to the point of this post, I can be such a klutz. -_- When I use to work in the auditorium, people had to watch out for me because I never looked down, tripping over wires and chairs and even stairs. This morning I made a klutzy move-- I wasn't really a klutz. I had to wash about 6 big bowls for work; 5 empty bowls and 1 bowl had melted ice water. I walked next door to the study abroad office, carrying everything. Standing in front of their door, I realized that I couldn't open it door without putting everything in the floor. I put all the bowls in the floor and accidentally pushed the top bowl with water sideways, spilling all the water in front of their office doorway! Oh boyy, I freaked out. Trying to stay calm, I grabbed all the bowls, told the receptionist calmly that I made a mess and will clean it up, left the bowls in the kitchen and then went back to the office I worked at to grab one of those huge rolls of paper towels. Basically, I spent 30 minutes trying to soak up all the water and drying the entrance of the office. It was embarrassing, explaining to everyone what happened; Joseph and Rosie laughed, Amber sympathized my situation, Kathryn knew I made the mess (how did she know, she didn't see me). Now everyone next door knows me as a klutz! Great impression, right? I'm trying to study abroad and I create havoc amongst their office!

Another thing about me, I ruin surprises. Tsktsk. Yesterday was Anna's birthday. However, her surprise birthday celebration at work was TODAY! When I was about to leave, Rosie to me to wait because the cake was in the fridge. Bored of waiting, I went to the back office to talk to Jay (Veterans tutor). Apparently catching up with him took awhile (mostly because I was talking about how tired I was and complaining like usual; By the way, I need more guy friends, I like how guys are such great listeners.) because all my bosses started whisper-shouting at me, "LILY!!" Because I was busy talking, I ruined the surprise. Anna started to feel suspicious about everything. Anyway, we did sing happy birthday and all was well, but yeah, I suck at surprises. (Not-So-Fun Fact: I had someone cry over of my surprise--not happy tears.)

Anyway, things are good despite the lack of sleep. Don't worry about me. I fear people worrying over me. Just sometimes, I forget that people who read my blog know me. I just complain a lot. So, I don't know... unless I call you, I'm okay. I like blogging because I'm afraid of forgetting who I was--forgetting my likes, dislikes, everything that I was. I'm scared of a lot of things...

Image source: here

Worn Me Down by Rachel Yamagata
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October 3, 2011

Situations Are Tricky

I've always thought that I worked in one of the best places in the world. I like my co-workers. My bosses treat me well. Almost everyone I met are super friendly, except for a select few. Also, I tend to feel too much empathy for everyone's situation.

Anyway, today an older student came into the center to turn in a scholarship application. I was excited to get the scholarship application because it was the first one we received. Anyway, he wanted to confirm that he had all the requirements. As I reviewed the application with my supervisor, she told me to suggest that he should rewrite his statement of purpose, because it did not contain enough compelling information. Going back in the waiting area, I had to tell him all that. He did not take the news well since he was a busy student. Additionally, he is a father and an international student. I told him to try and put more into his essay--try to explain how bad his situation his, tell us what he wanted to do with his degree, how much the money would help him. He understood what he needed, but he didn't want to revise his essay. His situation was clear and concise. He didn't want to lie in his essay just for a scholarship. He wanted to get the scholarship because they understood his situation. Essentially, he didn't want to write an elaborate essay filled with lies to get a scholarship; it wouldn't feel right. Hearing his argument, I agreed with him, but convinced him to eventually come back to pick up the scholarship and try again. Maybe this time he would write something more compelling because I honestly felt so sad about his situation: he's an older adult, has four kids, lost his job, and is trying to get through his last semester of college.

Anyway, I hear about these situations all the time during work. Everyone that goes to our center usually has a heart-breaking situation. I feel so much empathy for their situations that it hurts. I feel like I have no problems at all compare to others. Another thing, I am afraid that I will be desensitized by hearing so many people's situation. One day, I wouldn't care. I can't imagine the day that I become cold-hearted and just plain horrible. I don't know...I am scared. I'm full of what-ifs. I think the day I stop caring will mean that I stopped believing in the good in people.

September 30, 2011

Being nice

I believe in nice people, sometimes. Other times, I don't know...

Being nice in daily occurrences can be so difficult. I think it's best to be spontaneously nice. If you are too nice to one person, you are a pushover. If you are too cold, you are a bitch. So, which is worse? It depends on the situation. I think when it comes to strangers, it is always best to be nice.

Today is one of those days where I felt like I was truly nice. Events unfold to create such a situation--it's not like I intentionally go around trying to do my 5 good deeds of the day (though, I should). Ahh, okay, I'm pretty nice most of the time--reluctantly helpful.

Walking downstairs from the parking structure, I saw this guy who looked like an Asian international student (just because he was wearing a cap) carrying a 32 bottles pack of water, a 24 pack of soda, a backpack, and a laptop bag. Worried, I sped down the stairs to ask him if he needed help. It's absurd, really, what I did, because usually I considered my actions before doing anything. Instead of caring about how others judged me, I let my actions take over.

Back to the story, I ran up to his right side and asked, "Do you need any help with that?" He answered (in a twang, like he's from the southern states, which is weird because he's Asian), "Ahhre you going the saahme way?" I answered, "Um, I don't know. Where building are you heading to?" He say (in that bizarre accent of his), "Mihaylo." I said, "Well, I'm not going that way, but I can definitely help you out. That looks really heavy." He hesitated a bit and eventually said, "Nahhh, I think I'm gooood." Instead of fighting to help him because he's a stranger I say, "Really? Are you sure?" He goes, "Yeahh. Thanks for offering, though."

Okay, I didn't get the chance to help him and should have fought to help him, so it doesn't make me a good person. Anyway, he is Filipino or something. And, he's not an international student. He's probably from the south. After this situation, I can't help but feel good about myself for attempting to do some good. It's weird. I mentioned the other day (not here) that there's no "true altruism" because we are always attempting to make either ourselves feel better or others. I guess there are moments when we truly want to help... but everything gets ruined once we tell others about it. Nonetheless, I really felt good about my action this morning.

Another "good" thing I did today was giving someone a free scantron. Well, it is not anything unusual because I typically give people scantrons whenever they forget to bring it during class. Even before Andrew gave me a stack of scantrons, I handed them out without asking for anything back.

I was posting flyers around the bulletin board around campus around 3pm when some guy asked me if any other places on campus sold scantrons because all the bookstores were closed around noon. (Now that I think about it, there are vending machines around campus that sold scantrons.) I asked, "Did you need a scantron for a class right now?" He says, "Yeah. I have a midterm today at 4pm." Feeling sorry for him, I said, "Well, I have scantrons. I can give you one, if you'd like." He says, "Really? Thank you." I said, "I work upstairs--follow me." It was an awkward walk up to workplace because we didn't talk. Also, my supervisor saw the whole thing--bringing a guy to work (she teased me about it with the other co-workers later). I gave him a scantron and he said, "I appreciate you giving me this." I said, "Yeah, no problem. Good luck on your exam." He says "Thanks", takes the scantron and leaves. Kind of a quick departure--probably because he thought men aren't allowed at a WoMen's Center or he's really a douche that used me for a scantron. Honestly, I don't really care about who he truly is, but being nice gives me this warm and fuzzy feeling. :)

Frankly, I did not need to list all these stories because I sound like I'm gloating. But, I really wanted to talk about something that happened today. I was pretty touched by what happened since I was pretty frustrated that no one offered to help. It makes me believe that people can truly be nice. Though, the whole thing may just be chivalry.

So, I have been posting flyers all around campus. The last place I went to was the library. The library has a pretty big bulletin board. The bottom half of the board was filled with flyers. I didn't want to disturb the order of flyers, so I attempted to staple flyers in the top half of the board. There was this bench right in front of the bulletin board. I climbed on top of the bench and almost lost my balance. I didn't know if it was better to ask the people working at the library (who were watching me) for help or jump up and down to attempt to staple them (which could take awhile) . I chose the latter because asking for help is a sign of weakness. Side note: I accept help when it's offered, but I have too much pride to ask for help. Well, not as much pride as males, since they won't even ask for directions!

Basically, I looked so stupid in front of the bulletin board, jumping up and down, trying to stick the stupid flyers up. I concentrated so much on jumping up and down that I was surprised to hear a super tall guy ask, "Do you need help?" Defeated, I said, "Yes. Can you help me staple these last two flyers?" He put his books down in the bench and helped me staple the flyers. How nice, right? I thanked him and left him in front of the bulletin board after he was done since it looked like he was interested in reading the flyers. The end.

So, I just want to say, being nice does have its perks. It can truly make someone appreciate them. And, it was a nice day.

Photo source: here

September 28, 2011

We Are Perfect Being Imperfect

One of my favorite lines from a book I read was "We are perfect at being imperfect". I thought I could actually accept and live those those words, but I was being really naive.

I may believe that I have come to terms for failing so many times in the beginning of my life, but that's just the beginning. We just slowly forget about our failures. I am forgetting all the failed exams I had when I was younger. Failing precalculus once is a thing of the past. Being rejected to almost all the colleges was so long ago. With all this in mind, I believe I am content.

Things have been hectic for me for the past couple of weeks. Though, I didn't let them get to me. I just kept pushing them away because dealing with things head-on isn't what I'm familiar with. I let myself get the C's I deserved for not studying. I let myself slowly break apart. I've forgotten how to be the person I am trying to be. In the beginning, I wanted cum laude. I wanted to look good. I want to prove that despite not getting everything I wanted, I was able to succeed. But, I'm not so sure now. It kind of feels like I have senioritis. But, I'm not even a 4th year yet. I'm still in the beginning of my 3rd year. And, I still don't know what I want to do. It is so hard to figure what you want to do for the rest of your life. And, I expect things to come easy for me. Despite the knowledge that things will be hard, I continue to believe that I can be the exception. Don't worry, I'm beginning to change.

But, despite the imperfections that are presented upon me, despite all the failures I had in life, I do not want people to know that I'm human--I'm flawed--I make mistakes.

  • I had to do a simple job of inputting grades into the grading system online and I screwed up. I forgotten to curve all the grades up by 1 point.
  • I made a mistake on my psychology questionnaire which can create a huge error.
  • I overlooked my work duties.
  • I overestimated my answers and failed.
  • I didn't study.
I hate these flaws, these errors, these mistakes, these things that I notice myself doing more and more recently. I have always made mistakes. The mistakes are a part of me and I can't seem to accept them. What's wrong with me? Why do I care so much right now?

Doorways by Radical Face
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Image source: here

September 26, 2011

Korean Culture

Korean culture is really different from the American culture as learned from social psych. The difference is not particularly noticeable whenever hanging out with Korean-American friends. However, when hanging out with international students from South Korea, there are noticeable differences.

Saturday, September 24, I went out with Anna (Native American), Grace (Somalian), Jeesue (Korean), and Seul Ki (Korean) to the Downtown LA to sight see around Little Tokyo and Koreatown. More importantly, we wanted to go to the Korea Cultural Center to attend this event called "A Live Conversation with Sun Cho Yoon" featuring celebrities Lee Jun Ki and Park Hyo Shin.

We started the day eating in a fast food dim sum place near my house. I could not eat because my lower lip was in pain and breakfast was consumed right before leaving home. Since most of them never had dim sum, they didn't know what was best to eat. I didn't want to make their decisions, but I told them I enjoyed eating the egg tarts, steamed shrimp dumplings, daikon cake, chicken buns, and pineapple buns. Despite my best efforts, they got other things. The weirdest part was that they all got the same foods. Like, they all got the sticky sweet fried rice and siu mai (open topped steamed pork dumpling). I remember learning in Korean culture, everyone ate the same foods, but still, I never thought I'd experience this in first hand! Though, Grace and Anna also got other things in addition to the fried rice and dumplings.

After breakfast, we drove to Little Tokyo. There, we saw many people walking around in cosplay. Apparently the Cherry Blossom Festival was that day. We could not find this festival so the time walking around Little Tokyo was brief since there's nothing really extraordinary around there.
Next, we went to Koreatown to attend Los Angeles Korean Festival because Seul Ki's roommate's boyfriend told her about it (haha, I know, what?). It was pretty interesting to see a lot of Korean booths together in a festival. I am use to seeing huge Chinese festivals around home, but that is because I am Chinese. So, attending to this festival was much outside my comfort zone. A lot of Koreans tried to sell me things such as telling me to go their hair salon--is this a hint?! Also, Koreans soliciting assumed that I was Korean so started selling things to me in Korean. I apologized profusely many times because I did not know Korean. There were a lot of vendors that sold groceries despite the fact that it is a festival. I thought it was super cool to see a hanbok in real life. Also, it nice to see a drum performance by little children. Lastly, seeing Korean folk singers was an amazing experience.

After the festival, we finally went to the Korean Culture Center. It is so odd, there was actually people waiting in line for the event even though we were an hour and a half early! We were sitting in the second row of the auditorium which are pretty good seats since we get to see the celebrities close up. Note: many of the fans consists of Chinese, non-Asians, and not many Koreans. The event began around 5pm and 5 classical musicians came out--3 violinists, 1 violist, 1 pianist. Of course, the audience clapped early during the end of the performance. :/
Then, Representative Yoon Sun Cho of Korea came out that discussed with the audience about the Korean Wave. It was an interesting presentation, getting the chance to understand Korean Culture more. The Korean culture can be described in three words: dynamic, spiritual, and subtle. She showed images of Korean entertainment (K-Pop stars, celebrities, books, movies, dramas, etc), Korean historical images, artifacts and other fascinating things. I guess her presentation went too long so she sped through the historical information about South Korea. It really bummed me out because I don't know much about Korean history.
Later, Lee Jun Ki and Park Hyo Shin came out in their military uniform to represent the Korean Army. The audience went crazy. I was more interested in the conference being over since I didn't know who they were. The questions asked by the audience were rather simple. Well, some of the questions were really deep, but answers seemed forced. There are some questions that requires answers that sound traitorous. But, most of the answers sounded patriotic. Also, Lee Jun Ki answered most of the questions which is a disappointment. I know he is great and all that he understands English, but he barely even spoke it (except when someone was like, "I'm your fan" and he goes, "Thank you. You're beautiful. All my fans are beautiful" which made me laugh so hard! Also, at the end of the Q&A, someone goes, "Do you have a girlfriend?" He didn't hear what she said and said, "Thank you. I love you." hahahaha, that was so hilarious!) Like I mentioned, I was disappointed that the other celebrities did not answer the questions from the audience. I know he is more popular than the other celebrities, but I'd like to know the opinions of the other two guys and that one other pretty girl who is a violinist!
At the end of the conference, fans were waiting outside to get a chance to photograph more of the celebrities. It was pretty chaotic, watching everyone act like paparazzi!

After this, we went to "School Food Blooming Roll" to have dinner. I guess in Korean culture, people shared food and ate together whereas Americans were more individualistic. Well, I am going to assume that most Asian cultures are like this because Chinese people share their foods, too. Anyway, Jeesue and Seul Ki assumed that we were going to share food together which sounded good to me, but Anna and Grace wanted their own items so we all ended up ordering separately. I was disappointed, because I didn't really know what was good. Additionally, that sore in my mouth was really killing me by then--any spicy food would make things worse. There wasn't any porridge, so I got shrimp fried rice which guaranteed no spice. Jeesue and Seul Ki did end up sharing food whereas I had to slowly eat fried rice. :(
We ended the day going to a karaoke place. I didn't want to go there since I had no experience embarrassing myself singing the latest pop songs. Actually, I have no experience going to a karaoke place singing! Ahhh. Jeesue and Seul Ki looked like they had so much fun singing Korean songs. I guess that's because this is what many Koreans do for fun. Oh, Grace and Anna loved singing songs, too! For me, it was pretty awkward. I didn't know what to sing and didn't want others to hear my off-keyed voice. In the end, I did end up having fun singing along (because no one could hear me) and sang one song (Take on Me by A-ha). :)

All in all, the day was pretty fun. I got the chance to learn more about Korean culture. In addition, I stepped out of my comfort zone a little more. Also, I'm pretty excited to go to South Korea next semester.

September 25, 2011


2 things:

1) I have a huge canker sore on my lower lip. It looks like I got beat up. It is absolutely painful. In addition to this lovely canker sore, there are two more sores nearby. Oh really? Why must you be like this? It has been a week and it's getting bigger. How is this possible? It was a horrible.. going around Koreatown yesterday, especially with something as painful as this.

2) I am on my lovely time of the month and suffering from it. Typically, it's just painful in my tummy until I take some pain relievers. I was aware of the tinge of pain when I woke up this morning but ignored it because I can't do anything about it until after eating breakfast. The only quick meal in this house was cereal and soy milk so I ate that and then took the pills. Instead of feeling better, things got worse and worse. The pain was more piercing and the feeling of nausea came about. I went to the restroom in hopes of better circulation and ended up barfing all over the bathroom tub. It was disgusting--well any type of vomit is disgusting-- and I smelled soy milk. Smelling this, I started retching all over again. It was a cycle of barfing over the smell until I turned on the water to rid the vomit. After this, I still felt sick, lay on the couch suffering from the pain and barfed all over again an hour later. Anyway, I'm going to take the day off work tomorrow and recover. Ah, recover, this isn't going to happen. There are so much assignments needed to be filled out.

What I got from this experience is:
1) I don't think I can drink Asian produced soy milk again.
2) I should see a doctor about this--this has occurred more than 6 times.
3) I can't do anything when things get this tough--I'm give up too easily. :(

September 21, 2011

Study Session Review

As I mentioned in a post earlier, one of the responsibilities of being a TA is facilitating a study session. This is completely different from my past Teacher Aide experiences. I did much of the important paper work in the counselor's office during high school when I was TA. Additionally, I just took attendance when I was TA for the PE teacher.

The study session, in my opinion, was a disaster. I lack the ability to be a leader. Honestly, despite my fear of public speaking and looking like an authority figure amongst the older adults, I was pretty excited. However, I wasn't prepared for this moment. I let other priorities surpass the fact that I will be doing this. In the end, I prepared for this session last minute. There are no external factors influencing this, since I did know that this will happen.

I tried to do what Beverly did. Well, I originally wanted to do it the same way she did; state the term and ask students to elaborate on the meaning. However, things didn't go the way it was planned.

So, I was expecting a handful of students because Beverly emailed me stating that about 5 people said that they were interested in my session. I was relieved because I couldn't do well with groups more than 5 people because people can't hear me.

When I arrived, there were two people. As the session progressed, about 10 more people came. I was so intimidated because they were older than me (4th years!) and worldlier (whatever that means). Additionally, I realized how unprepared I was. I should've read more into the text before entering the session. I should stop procrastinating. There are so many should-haves.

So, as more people arrived, I got more nervous. The students kept asking me to repeat myself because I was too low. The girl next to me asked for a repeat! I must have been THAT quiet.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I disappointed the students. I was too quiet.

On the other hand, I expected a lot more out of them. I thought that they would know more than they did. I kept asking students "Who is blahblah?" and majority of the time they didn't know. In the end, I pretty much gave them the answers.

Anyway, Grace told me that it sounds like they pretty much taken advantage of me even if they didn't realize that. She is right...I don't know if things will get better. I want to give up on this. Reallyy do.

But, you know me, I will persevere through this... even if I suck. If I can persevere through a run when someone tripped me, I can do this. If I can persevere through rejection of many of the colleges I originally wanted to attend, I can do this.. even if I lack the confidence.


Instead of making another post, I'm going to add on to the session. I feel much better about the session, even though it was horrible. I told Bev about the whole situation and she completely turned around the whole story. She said, "It's not your fault that the session turned out bad. They took advantage of you by making you give them answers and not the other way around. Remember, as a TA, you didn't even have to go over anything. You could just sit there and have students ask you questions. So, what they did was wrong. They should have read the text prior to coming to the session and understood what was being read. What these sessions are for is to let YOU confirm what is confusing to them."

Listening to this motivational speech from the greatest TA in the world, I felt better about myself. Well, I still am traumatized by how the whole thing went..